Releasing my book “It All Started After a Plane Hijacking with Billy Joel” on my Blog

Two years ago I quit my full time job to write a book. It literally all started with a short story called “A Plane Hijacking Story with Billy Joel” and I loved the main character so much (not Billy Joel) that I kept writing for 37k more words.

Being my first book, it has its issues, and I never fully edited it, so week by week I’ll release a chapter that I’ve edited enough that its readable.

Subscribe to get updates and enjoy the full thing!

Everything Wrong with Captain America: Civil War

Spoilers ahead.

In the writer’s room:

Writer 1: Let’s have a big moment. How about War Machine dies during the fight between the heroes?
Writer 2: Great. That’ll be a huge moment. Let’s have him break his back instead.
Writer 1: Definitely! Then we’ll immediately give him robot legs and fix him.
Writer 2: Perfect. That way it’s like nothing ever even happened.

Writer 1: Remember all the heavy societal implications and themes from the comic book Civil War series?
Writer 2: Yeah?
Writer 1: Well forget about those. Let’s get started.

Writer 1: How should Zumo get access to the heavily guarded Winter Soldier?
Writer 2: A fake mustache that makes him sorta look like the guy he’s impersonating. We won’t put any guards in there either. And we’ll put Winter Soldier in a restraint he can break in one second and a glass enclosure that breaks in five punches.
Writer 1: Won’t people he a problem with that?
Writer 2: *leans back in his chair* I think we’ll be juuuuuust fine.

The scene that guilts Tony Stark:

Woman: You killed my son. You Avengers are terrible. You should have let those aliens, Ultron, and whatever else just keep doing what they were doing.

Tony convincing the Avengers to sign:

Tony Stark: We have to sign the accord! We’re dangerous! (to self): Please don’t bring up that it was me who created Ultron.

Tony Stark, Spider-Man and Aunt Mae Scene:

Tony Stark: Remember when the internet was confused how a hottie like Marissa Tomei could play Aunt Mae? Let’s do a scene all about that.

The final battle:

ME: This is going to be great. The heroes have already fought each other twice, now they are going to fight FIVE SOLDIERS (!) who are stronger than the Winter Soldier. This is the perfect way for them to come back together.
Zumo: I killed the five soldiers. Now you have to fight each other again 🙂 Could have been  cool though, huh?
ME: 😦

Iron Man: Hey, Winter Soldier, I’m going to make a Manchurian Candidate reference about you and then five minutes later get pissed off that you killed my mom while you were under mind control, something I was totally aware of. Fuck it though. I’m just mad beyond logic even though I’ve been logical this whole movie.

Zumo: Hi, everyone. I’m Zumo. I was a bad ass killer for these death camps and death squads and stuff, but I was also a family man with a wife and kids. I have time to kill people and be a good father, yet neither of those will get developed well. Bye! Have fun attacking each other for the third time.

Hi, I was the guy at the party with the flesh colored dildo peeking out of my breast pocket

Hi,

You probably remember me from Josiah’s party last Saturday at Round Table. I was the guy who put down four slices of supreme and about a dozen garlic knots in under five minutes.

Though you may remember me better as the guy who had the flesh colored dildo peeking out of his breast pocket.

Just to clear things up, it was more of a “I’d rather have it and not need it than need it than not have it” type of situation, and I do realize now that the chances of needing a flesh colored dildo at a 3rd grader’s pizza party (that I wasn’t invited to) were pretty slim, but I never thought that bringing it would lead to me being known as “the guy at the party with the flesh colored dildo peeking out of his breast pocket.”

“The guy who could really put down the pizza,” absolutely.

“The last guy to leave the restroom before it was discovered that the sink had been inexplicably ripped from the wall,” maybe.

But “the guy at the party with the flesh colored dildo peeking out of his breast pocket?” No way. That was such a small part of who I am and who I was at the party. In fact, after Craig told me that I shouldn’t have come because it was a kid’s party, and because he doesn’t know me that well outside of work, I was fully ready to be “the guy who shouldn’t have been there.” What I’ve been relegated to is simply unfair.

Please stop referring to me as “the guy at the party with the flesh colored dildo peeking out of his breast pocket” or I’ll kill Josiah.

I didn’t mean that. But I think you get the point.

Meet Sam. The guy who thinks “intern” means “hooker”

Meet Sam. Sam is like every other 30 year old white male in America except for one thing. Due to an adolescent misunderstanding of the Clinton trial, he thinks that “intern” means “hooker.”

Sam sits down with a laptop. He’s frustrated and overworked. His wife, Julia, notices.

JULIA
Do you need a snack, honey?

SAM
No. I can’t eat right now. I have so much to do for the business.

JULIA
You’re so overworked. You need an intern.

SAM
Very funny.

JULIA
I’m serious. I think it would be really good for you.

SAM
Wait. What?

JULIA
Yeah. Having someone help you out would be good for you.

SAM
You wouldn’t want to do that stuff?

JULIA
Oh, god no. Are you kidding?

SAM
Wow, that kind of makes me really sad, but as long you’re letting me do this, that’s cool.

JULIA
What’s to be sad about? I’m your wife, not your slave.

SAM
When you put it like that, yeah. I mean, this is awesome. It’s just crazy.

JULIA
It’s not that crazy. I just want you to be less stressed.

SAM
I don’t even know where to start to find one.

JULIA
Look online.

SAM
Online? That makes sense. I was kind of worried we’d need to cruise around the streets and pick one off the street.

JULIA
Hah! What were you thinking? We’d go pick up one of those guys in front of Home Depot?

SAM
Jesus. No. A woman. Definitely a woman.

JULIA
A woman? She better not be pretty. I’ll get jealous.

SAM
I think we’re well past that.

JULIA
You know who you could ask? Our neighbor Stan’s daughter.

SAM
Oh, my god. Are you serious? She’s not even out of high school.

JULIA
I think she’d like the experience before she goes off to college.

SAM
That just doesn’t seem like the best way to get experience.

JULIA
Why? She interned for her father for a little while last Summer.

SAM
Jesus, I’m going to be sick.

JULIA
You’re such a drama queen.

Julia looks on the computer.

JULIA
Here’s a good one. Do you want to check out her resume? She’s been around. A lot of experience.

SAM
Not exactly a high selling point for me, but that’s to be expected. I guess let’s try her.

JULIA
Ok. I’ll tell her to come in for an interview.

SAM
You think I need to interview her?

JULIA
Yeah. You need to make sure you two get along. So what kind of things are you looking for them to do anyway? Scheduling? Filing?

SAM
Suck my dick.

Julia gets straight faced.

JULIA
I don’t think that’s very funny. I think it’s disrespectful.

SAM
We’re already talking about a dirty intern.

JULIA
Dirty intern? You know I was an intern at my work before I got hired.

SAM
What?! The whole company?!

JULIA
Yeah. Duh.

SAM
I just can’t process this.

JULIA
Why do you have to make this hard? I’m just trying to help you. If you don’t want an intern, don’t get a damn intern-

SAM
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. (blurting out) I’ll take Stan’s daughter.

JULIA
Ok, great. I’ll call Stan and tell him to send her over tomorrow.

Julia leaves.

SAM
Holy shit. I’m getting an intern.

Here’s Why You Should Never Wear Shoes Inside

Wearing your shoes inside the house can be a hard habit to break. After all, if you leave your shoes outside they might get stolen by a relative/enemy, or once you’re inside there might be a masked gunman waiting for you, leaving you without a shoe to throw at him.

The alternative isn’t any better. If you leave your shoes in a pile inside your home, people might start calling you “Shoe pile Joe,” or “Shoe pile [whatever your name is]” or even worse, “Shoe pile whatever your name is.”

But the statistic I’m about to tell you will shock you to where you will never wear your shoes inside your house again, or maybe even outside (if you live surrounded by grass or very soft dirt). Here it is:

100% of the people who have worn their shoes inside their house have died, or will die in the future.

Take a moment to let that sink in. 100% of the people. That means that if you’ve worn your shoes inside the house, you’re statistically already dead. If you are in a home right now, and you or anyone around you has their shoes on, you are all as good as ghosts.

It’s a terrifying reminder that we need to watch what we do at every step. Like Kermit the Frog always said, “the only way we’ll ever be truly is safe is when we’re dead.”

Talking Shy, The Shy Ones Aftershow, Episode 1

Fred Le, Joe Cabello, and George Harry Williams III discuss the first episode of The Shy Ones, “Thinkin’ Love – (Ever had a crush?)”

Rather listen? Check out our audio link of the episode.
Audio link: http://joecabello.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Talking-Shy-Episode-1-talking-love.m4a

Watch The Shy Ones episode on here:

Honest text to send at 11:40pm to the girl you’ve been seeing for a week

Honest text to send at 11:40pm to the girl you’ve been seeing for a week:

“hey, just wanted some kind of validation that you like me that I can only get if you text me back instantly because I have nothing else going on in my life other than this, and anything other than you texting back within five seconds will be taken as some sort of concrete evidence, admissible in court, that you don’t like me, until tomorrow when you text me back something sweet and put me at ease until the next 24 hour period when I fall apart again. Also, it must include a smiley, or else that means you hate me.”

Crack isn’t Off the Table for Me Yet

There are some things you just know are off the table after a certain age. Like for me, I know I’m never going to ride a motorcycle. You won’t catch me dead on one of those things, especially after having a near-death experience on an ATV, and those things aren’t even as fast or dangerous as motorcycles. Put it this way, they have twice as many wheels, are half as slow and I still crashed one. What’s going to happen if I get on a motorcycle? I could spontaneously combust for all I know.

One thing that isn’t off the table at this point in my life is crack.

I’m not saying I’m going to do crack, or that I even want to do crack. It’s just something that isn’t completely off the table yet. Like if I were at a Hollywood party and Tom Cruise came up to me and said, “want to do some crack?” I’d do some crack.

Hell, if I was on a date with even a marginally attractive girl and she said, “want to do some crack and fuck around?” I’d do some crack.

Motorcycle? Hell no.

Crack? Where’s Tom at?

That’s not to say my body is a magnet for any and all drugs. I definitely wouldn’t do heroine. The whole needle things freaks me out. I hate needles so much I’d rather get AIDS than take an AIDS test.

That needle or some AIDS? Hook it up with a little bit of AIDS.

Obviously this isn’t the recipe for everyone, or even good life choices, but at least I know myself.

God Issues Product Recall For All Mankind

This was a prompt for a writing gig I didn’t get. Enjoy!


 

After 6,000 years of production, God has issued a mass product recall for all of mankind, citing issues such as mass violence, destruction of the Earth, Kanye West, and mankind “just generally acting crazy.” According to God’s representatives, the lack of space on Earth was also a small factor, though they do admit the recall is mostly due to a faulty product design.

“After Boko Haram and ISIS, it was pretty apparent that there was something wrong,” said head of God’s public relations, Christopher. “Problems like these just kept popping up, so we had to face that things like slavery, the Holocaust, and gluten allergies weren’t freak occurrences. The product was flawed.”

This isn’t the first time God has considered a recall. Going as far back as 2348 BC developers could foresee trouble. “We had an inkling that there were some problems with the product, but we were hoping they’d work themselves out after the flood,” said longtime developer, John, who is responsible for rainbows. Issues with the product did not end with the flood. Violence, infighting, and now, EDM music, continued to increase with time as the product continued to be released.

According to a Press Release earlier today, God is already planning a new model to replace the recalled humanity. “We’ve been playing around a little bit with down syndrome and Aspergers to avoid some of the older issues of violence and emotional outbursts, but we were just waiting for the tech to catch up. It has, so now we are nearly ready for launch.”

The date of the full product recall can be found on the sign of the dirty homeless man on 3rd and Main St.


Follow me on twitter @joecabello and like my Facebook writer page!

 

Video Game Review From a Guy Who Sucks at Video Games

SquareBlast has released their newest first person shooter, Let It Rage, a multiplayer warzone with team deathmatch, capture the flag, and a single player campaign. Unfortunately it’s a frustrating mess of a game, with a multiplayer that is almost impossible to play.

Multiplayer

The game’s key feature, the multiplayer mode, falls apart completely. First off, it’s practically impossible to kill anyone, yet everyone else can get a ton of kills on me. My cross hair will be right on the guy and I’ll shoot like a million times, but then he’ll knife me. It doesn’t make any sense. How can everyone else be so good but I suck? This game just came out. It really doesn’t make any sense.

Grade: D

The guns

The guns are really awesome, except for the fact that the gun system is broken. Other guys online are killing me with the pistol, even when I have the strongest gun. I thought it was the accuracy, but when they use the strongest gun they get perfect shots on me. Something is wrong with the balance of the game. It’s definitely not me. I’m usually really great.

It can’t be me.

Grade: D

Single player

The single player is obviously an afterthought, as is evident by the short campaign, but it’s very good compared to the multiplayer, at least on the easier settings. Once medium or higher is chosen, the game breaks and even the low level bad guys are killing me.

Grade: C

Jason

Jason is my friend and he’s a total dick. He only goes after me when we play multiplayer, even though there’s so many other people playing. It’s like he always knows where I am. It’s probably some bug I haven’t figured out yet, but he has. I know he’s not a part of the game for everyone, but I’m sure there are other Jasons out there who are somehow exploiting the bugs with this game.

Grade: F

Overall

Where did I go wrong? What the fuck is wrong with me. I’m 27. I should be good at something by this point in my life.