The Farts Awakens: A Star Wars Parody, My New Paperback! + Free Preview for WordPress Users!

Hello!

Very excited to announce my new paperback available on Amazon.com, The Farts Awakens: A Star Wars Parody! (Click the image below for a link to the Amazon page)

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Written in easy-to-read screenplay format, this aggressively stupid, incredibly hilarious Star Wars parody follows the adventures of Rey Toiletbowler and Finn Hardwiper as they learn to use the Farts, the mystical power of the Browneye. With the help of Handjob Solo, Princess Lay-yuh, and Jewbacca, they’ll try to stop the Empooper from releasing a weapon with unimaginable smell.

History:

30 years after the fall of the Galactic Empooper by the hand of the Rebel Assliance, the Empooper has regained strength, propelled by an unknown, dark power. Lead by General Fucks, their plan to dominate the galaxy is almost complete, using a new weapon, the power of which has never been seen before.

As time has passed and faded away, so have the lessons learned, and the heroics of the Rebel Assliance long ago. People have since forgotten the part that Luko Cockblocker played in defeating the evils of the Empooper. They have forgotten how he used the Farts, a binding, ubiquitous force found in the anus, to ultimately defeat Shart Vader.

The Browneye, an order of warriors who used the Farts for good, have been forgotten and relegated to legend. Nothing more than stories told to children, or printed in books meant to be read on the toilet.

There are, however, dark forces slowly gaining power, and those who have felt the farts before… will start to feel them again.

Help support it socially by clicking this link and joining my Thunderclap campaign! It’s very simple and helps a lot.


 

Want to see a little bit of it? Sign up for my newsletter at the link below and you’ll be directed to a download.

The Farts Awakens: A Star Wars Parody PREVIEW

PremiumMasons

Dear PremiumMasons Support Team,

I’d like to cancel my PremiumMasons membership. At first when I found out the Freemasons were offering a paid subscription service I was very excited. As someone who has enjoyed the unadulterated power and wealth from being a Freemason, a premium service sounded like a good idea.

Unfortunately the additional services were lackluster. Being able to choose an animated avatar for the app was cool, but not quite worth the $49,999.95 per month. I was interested in the feature that would guarantee someone in my bloodline to gain public office one day, but since that isn’t something that directly benefits me, it didn’t really sell me. Beyond that, it doesn’t appear that PremiumMasons is all that better than being a Freemason.

I’d like to ask for a partial refund for the second month’s billing (today!) I guess I had my billing date wrong.

He Was a Dracula – Chapter 1

He sloppily folded his crushed velvet tuxedo, threw it on top of his dresser, and slid into his pajamas. A boring plaid number, but they were comfortable and consistently warm, no matter what cold, dark recess of the dresser they had dwelled in. Perfect for a nice, long sleep. It was 9:30am and he had earned it.

He’d just come back from a particular difficult night of fighting crime.

It had been months since he’d worn his pajamas to bed. For hundreds of years he promised that he’d never get so lazy to sleep in his crushed velvet tuxedo every night, yet that’s how things had ended up. The tuxedo was as comfortable as a hug after all, and with its multiple pieces, it took a good amount of effort to put on and take off. It was a uniform made for men with plenty of time. Not the normal attire for the year it was, 1984, but he’d given up on living the normal life of a man. He wasn’t a man at all, actually.

He was a Dracula. The 7th to be exact.

And he was brutally heartbroken.

Woe was him. His name was Woe. He was also very sad.

He had become the 7th Dracula exactly 60 years, 364 days, 12 hours, and 59 minutes ago. He hadn’t been around long enough to stop keeping exact count the way his predecessor had by the time they had met. In fact, he still had a good 120 years before he reached his predecessor’s years of service.

His predecessor, a Dracula by the name of Lestat, had told him to stop keeping track of the minutes and hours and days. He warned him that he’d go mad if he did this, though it was perfectly understandable that he did. He gave Woe many different warning throughout his training, as was his job. To pass the torch. To ensure Woe was well equipped for his job as Dracula.

Lestat had been a great mentor. No one, not even Woe could argue that, however, that wouldn’t stop Woe from making the grave mistakes that lead him to his current state of loss and agony.

He had made the terrible, no-good mistake, a mistake he was warned about in his training countless times, of falling in love.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, he had made the second most terrible, no-good mistake a Dracula can make as well. A mistake he was also warned of countless times, though, one wonders if he hadn’t been warned about the second mistake, then maybe he never would have even considered even making the first mistake, as if this warning was proof that the other could be broken – the mistake was turning the woman he loved into a vampire.

I say he turned her into a vampire, not a Dracula, and that is for a specific purpose. They are two different things in the same way a square and a rectangle are two different things. The way a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle could never be a square. I will explain all that later. For now, what is most important are the intricacies of what made this broken heart all the more brutal, which lead to the events of this story. The story of the 8th Dracula, the greatest hero the world had ever known.

It all started when Woe turned his love, Emily, into a vampire so he could be with her eternally.

What he did not foresee, is that despite this gift, she would leave him.


 

This is a story I’m working on based on a side character in my book I’m editing, Lessons in Debaucery. I’d love to hear your thoughts about it. It’s obviously not very far along, but I hope it gives a good indication of what the story is all about. This will be less of a straight comedy than Lessons in Debauchery, but will most likely still have lots of funny elements because I can’t help it.

While Lessons in Debauchery is a sea of one-liners, He was a Dracula, is a heartfelt comedy.

Please give your feedback in the comments section and I’ll keep writing and posting it. I think I’m going to post this exclusively on this blog until it’s done or someone yells at me to stop.

30 Sketches, 30 Days

So, I’ve been really busy writing for the 2016 CBS Diversity Showcase, so I haven’t been writing anything other than sketches. I’d still like people to enjoy something that I wrote since I’m a millennial and I want all the attention, so I decided to post up my National Sketch Writing Month page.

National Sketch Writing Month is a month long event (obviously) where writers write 30 sketches in 30 days, despite whatever else they have going on in their lives (job, kids, weed to smoke).  All of my sketches are available to download on the following link. Honestly, some of them are pretty gnarly and unedited, but let me know what you think. They’re all short and sweet! (My favorite is The Perfect Killer)

Check out my 30 sketches

Also, please do me a big favor and like my Facebook Author page. I’d appreciate it x1,000,000,000

The Longest Haiku! See what’s inside!

My new book, The Longest Haiku, is now available on Amazon! Money I make from it goes towards my medical bills from my recent shoulder injury, so I’d love it if you buy it or share it on social media. You can check out the table of content below after the link.

Buy it on Amazon!

the longest haiku here

the longest haiku page 1 the longest haiku table of content

 

My New Book is Out! The Longest Haiku!

The Longest Haiku!

I wrote a coffee table/joke/haiku book to help pay for my medical bills from my broken shoulder. You know what that means? Not only do you get an awesome book, you also get to help someone in need (ME!)

YOU CAN BUY IT ON CREATE SPACE HERE

It will be available on Amazon soon, but I prefer if you buy it on CreateSpace.

If you can’t buy it, no problem! But please give the link a share on twitter, Facebook, and every other cool place.
Tweet: Ever seen a 60+ page #haiku ? Think it's impossible? It's not! Check out @joecabello 's new #book The Longest Haiku http://bit.ly/1KP2lozClick this button to tweet instantly!

100% 5-7-5 syllable structure. The longest haiku ever written.

Authored by Joe Cabello
Cover design or artwork by Connie Shin THUMBNAIL_IMAGE

No one said I could do it.

No one said I should do it.

Then I did it.

This book holds the longest haiku ever written, using a syllable hack that will surely be highly debated for years to come.

From the comedic mind of Joe Cabello, learn the very nature of what a haiku is and why it exists. This book will make you laugh, then make you cry (but if it makes you cry then laugh, that’s good too)

PLEASE NOTE: This book is one poem with the letter “m” repeated for over 65 pages. There is more content than the repeated “m,” but the majority of the book will simply be that. It is an “artful joke” that will forever change the landscape of your coffee table.

 

A Plane Hijacking Story with Billy Joel

This one is a little long, but trust me, you’ll want to read the whole thing, so bookmark if you need to!


It was midnight and the Tokyo airlines flight 881 was halfway to Shinai. Taking red eye flights used to be fun until the movie Red Eye came out. Movies have a tendency to ruin things, like how Pretty Woman ruined hookers. Most of them aren’t as nice and charming as Julia Roberts. Some are even guys, which isn’t so bad, but it’s false advertising.

The plane was filled with mostly Americans, other than the few other people who don’t matter to this story. Post 9/11 you really start to notice who’s on the plane with you , and let’s be honest, you’re more comfortable in a plane full of white people, even if you’re on a plane from Japan to India. This, of course, is not true for albinos. If you’re on a plane full of albinos, change your flight.

A lot of people think that planes contain the demographic mixture of the departure city and the destination, but they’re more like bad breath containers.. Especially at the butt-crack of dawn, when bad breath is at its most rampant.

The night air was thick with the rubbery smell of people-breath. I bet most of them hadn’t even brushed their teeth in hours. It smelled like they had all chewed on a condom (Not a used one. That would be gross. Not the same condom either).Continue reading “A Plane Hijacking Story with Billy Joel”

Some Thoughts on the Summer Heat in Los Angeles

The Summer heat can be brutal, especially when you don’t have air conditioning. It got so hot this Summer that my girlfriend told me she couldn’t be in the apartment anymore. She even changed her number and completely disappeared from my life. It must have been so hot she couldn’t stand our body heat, or even the brainheat from thinking about me.

The heat gets really bad here. Every Summer I think I’ll never wear pants again. Mostly because this gypsy woman keeps following me saying, “You’ll never wear pants again! I curse you!” By the time Winter comes it never ends up being true, so I guess Gypsy curses must only work in the Winter. Things are tough for everyone this time of year.

The heat has a tendency to make people angry too. They’ll say things like “It’s too damn hot!” and “You’re really annoying, Joe!” The heat gets so bad they even say some of those things after the weather cools down.

Some people think the sun is going to expand so fast day one day that it will burn us all alive. And then they ask you for some change, but the light turns green at the freeway exit so you drive away.

I feel really bad for those people. We’re obviously going to die from some alien war before the sun kills us. Some people are so crazy that you start to think they deserve to be homeless. At least they have constant AC. The wind.

6 Celebrities You Never Thought Could Pull Off A Beard Using Their Bare Hands.

This was another parody I did to a bunch of articles I’ve seen titled “X celebrities you never knew could pull of a beard.”

Good news for my followers too! I just finished draft 1 of my book, Lessons in Debauchery: The Topher Weyland Story. It’s at 47,000+ words. I can’t even believe it. Here’s chapter 1 and 9!

I’ll also be self-publishing a joke poetry book soon, titled “The Longest Haiku.” Follow so you can find out all about that.


 

To beard, or not to beard. That is the question.

Some guys look like they were born to pull of a beard, others, not so much. Then there’s those that surprise us! Either way, pulling off a beard is an amazing feat.

These are some of the hottest celeb guys who can surprisingly remove another man’s beard, often violently, using only their bare hands.

Jay Z

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You don’t build an empire without ripping off a few beards. It’s been reported that Hova has taken over 17 men’s beards.

Bruno Mars

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At 5’5″ he may not be too tall, but it must help him when it comes to pulling off beards. Sources say he uses a tactic of reaching up for the beard then planting his feet on their chest, using his legs to help uproot the beard.

Daryl Palumbo

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Frontman of the bands Glassjaw, Head Automatica and Color Film, Daryl Palumbo might not be a household name, but he does have a collection of over 400 beards.

Mark Consuelos

Russell Young's CELEBRITY PORTRAITURE gallery opening at Milk Studios

Hubby to Kelly Ripa, Mark Consuelos may be easy on the eyes, but he never goes easy on a beard.

Tim Allen

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I can just imagine the sound of Tim Allen’s iconic grunts as he rips away at a beard (That’s if it’s audible over the screaming). Seriously! Tim Allen has a wicked reputation as a beard yanker. Look out boys, it’s groom time.

Frank Beard

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With the last name Beard, ironically he’s the only member of ZZ Top that doesn’t sport the band’s iconic beard, unironically he does seek out beards to steal from other men.