Make Terminator and the Predator Horror Again

I’m so over Predator and Terminator movies.

Of course, I’m also full of shit. I’m not going to pretend like I’m not there opening weekend for every new Terminator and Predator movie, but I have stopped expecting them to be any good. Fucking hell. Even the combination of Shane Black and Olivia Munn couldn’t make The Predator work (the fact that Black cast a convicted pedophile in it didn’t help either, not that it affected my viewing. I just think it’s really fucking funny to mention for some reason).

The Terminator franchise has had the same problems as Predator. There hasn’t been a good one since Judgement Day. In that way, Predator and Terminator are kindred spirits. For the record, here are the official rankings:

TERMINATOR
1 (tied). Terminator/Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Everything else: garbage

PREDATOR
1. Predator
2. Predator 2
Everything else: garbage

Both of these franchises have the same big problem: their obsession with bigger, badder, more-CGed bad guys. Every Terminator movie has some new model of Terminator with a new power desperately trying to outdo the previous. That worked to terrifying effect with T-1000, but past that, not so much. In the new Terminator movie, Dark Fate, it’s not a T800. It’s not a liquid metal Terminator. It’s not a nano-bot John Connor Terminator either. It’s a Terminator who can separate and become two Terminators. Wow. Scary… And it’s up against a new, good Terminator! Plus Sarah Connor! All of that won’t amount to much more than a bunch of nonsensical CG action, not heightened drama or suspense (no, I haven’t seen it. I’m just being a bitch).

Predator has seen a similar trend. We can ignore the AVP movies since they practically glow with radioactive badness. Nimrod Antal’s 2010 Predators asks the question, “What if there were more predators?” And the most recent Shane Black movie, The Predator, asks the question, “what if there was a BIGGER predator?” Just like our friend, the Terminator series, this seems to just amount to more CG nonsense, and very little drama or suspense.

That’s why I plead with the series to go back to their roots.

Make Terminator and Predator Horror Again.

That’s where the heart of the series lies. Even Predator 2 and Terminator 2 have horror DNA in them, and at the very least, are just great movies regardless. We don’t want to see a bigger, badder bad guy. We want to see an unlikely protagonist take on an insurmountable foe, and guess what…

An alien bred for hunting  = insurmountable enough.

A man-hunting robot = insurmountable enough.

Let’s take a look at the first two Terminator and Predator movies.

Terminator
Protagonist: a waitress and a normal guy who traveled back in time. Neither of them can ask for help without sounding crazy.
Bad guy: Killer robot.

Terminator 2
Protagonist: a kid and his robot.
Bad guy: Killer robot who can imitate anyone.

Predator
Protagonist: Bad ass soldiers.
Bad guy: an alien who eats bad ass soldiers for breakfast.

Predator 2
Protagonist: A hardened detective.
Bad guy: an alien who eats hardened detectives for breakfast.

Now let’s jump ahead to the most current iterations of these franchises!

The Predator
Protagonist: bad ass soldiers
Bad guy: An extra large predator, plus other predators, plus demon dogs, but the other predators and demon dogs sort of work together with the bad ass soldiers.

Terminator: Dark fate (Haven’t seen it yet, so yes I am talking out of my ass)
Protagonist: a bad ass female Terminator, Sarah Connor, a little girl
Bad guy: a Terminator who turns into two Terminators.

Don’t you see the problem just by reading that? It’s just shit piled on top of shit. Why don’t these movies connect with fans and audiences? They actively disregard the soul of the series and instead chase the mumbo-jumbo. The soul is horror. The mumbo jumbo is the weapons, the action, and the lore.

Instead, give me this:

Predator: New Blood (working title. Might also be called Child Predator)
Protagonist: an 8-year-old.
Bad guy: A predator.
Sure, you’d have to figure out why the Predator is going after a kid, but after that, you’re off to the races. Make it a kid with no allies. No one to turn to. Make the kid have to figure out how to defeat the predator using his/her smarts. Make it a horror film.

Terminator: Orphan Maker (working title. Might also be called Terminator: Child Predator)
Protagonist: an 8-year-old
Bad guy: a killer robot.
OK, so, yeah this is the same idea as my Predator movie, but no one said I was original. Again, give the kid no allies. Give the adults an active reason not to help or believe the kid. Let the kid figure it out. MAKE IT A HORROR FILM!

It doesn’t have to be an 8-year-old kid, but you get the idea.

The Terminator/Predator hunting a baby.

Terminator/Predator hunting someone in the desert – make the environment just as unforgiving as the bad guy.

Trap the protagonist inside of an insane asylum or prison.

The point is that the Predator and Terminator are enough. They don’t need to get bigger, and we sure as hell don’t need to give the protagonist powerful allies. Our protagonists situation just needs to get worse.

Writing and Producing Reel!

Hello,

I wanted to share a quick video showing my writing and producing reel. I don’t even know if that’s really a thing, but who wouldn’t want to watch a bunch of funny videos smooshed into one video? Let me know what you think, and if you want to see any of the full clips. The final clip is from an anime I’m recutting/redubbing.

I’m working on an article about the best movie trailers I’ve ever seen. I hope to have that up soon!

Upcoming projects:

Shownozawhat: REDUX
Pronounced SHOW-NO-ZUH-WHAT, this is an original anime using footage from the ’80s anime, Saber Rider and the Star Sheriffs. It tells the story of three disenchanted millennials who are chosen by a universe-wide organization to destroy the universe.

Here’s a brief clip: https://www.dropbox.com/s/yuz0c9bs052jxej/Shownoza…

Astro-not, an Audio Sitcom
Astro-not is just like your favorite sitcom that you watch on TV or Netflix, except it’s only audio, available as a podcast.

Beat It: Breaking Down Movies, Beat by Beat
A screenwriting podcast where each episode breaks down a movie’s main 15 story beats (as per ‘Save the Cat’). A resource for aspiring screenwriters, storytellers, and people who just love movies.

Past Projects:

A 30 minute podcast hosted by Joe Cabello (writer, Five @ 305) and Brenden Leigh (BrendenLeigh.com) where we talk about all things movies, video games, and pop culture, and get real on topics like race and gender.

We’re taking a hiatus until after Astro-not is released, but we currently have more than 15 episodes you can go back and enjoy. I highly suggest episode 10 if you’re not sure where to start.

Itunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-joe-cabell…
Sound cloud: https://soundcloud.com/thejoecabelloshow

Jokes:
https://blog.joecabello.com/2018/08/03/the-search-…
https://blog.joecabello.com/2018/08/09/the-flash-d…

Ep. 4 – (Guest: Anye Elite) Body Shaming Isn’t a Thing(?) & Cannabis Questionnaire

For Itunes version click here

Episode 4 we had our special guest, Anye Elite. He’s an amazing rapper who debuts a song on this very episode! You can check out the link to that song below. We cover A LOT but highlights include Brenden interviewing us about cannabis, Mariah Carey gets everyone heated, and we come down hard on a body shaming verdict.

Remember to leave a review on iTunes. Once we hit 30 reviews we’ll do a raffle contest for some cool prizes for anyone who wrote a review.

Anye
www.iconcity.net
Song: Anye-elite – On-my-phone-feat-cinama

Brenden
www.BrendenLeigh.com
He’s got a show coming up so get ready people! It’s a live band millenial theme.

Joe
www.joecabello.com
​March 31st I got a live show going on in Los Angeles. Check it out here: www.facebook.com/events/154605368557977/
April 5th check out if you have Primo Tv on Comcast. A show I wrote, Five @ 305 airs at 9pm!​

Thanks for listening/reading! Next week I’ll have another real blog post so stay tuned! Follow me on twitter @joecabello

Ep. 2 Fabricated City – Korean Movie Review

Joe and Fred review Fabricated City starring Ji Chang-Wook, Sim Eun-Kyung, Ahn Jae-Hon, directed by Park Kwang-Hyun. Our special guest is LA comedian and writer, Lorraine DeGraffenreidt. You can see her sketch team perform at the UCB Sunset theater on March 8th. Follower her @lorrrrraine

Intro [o:oo-3:35]
Theater Experience [3:35-12:52]
Review[12:52-End]

Trailer: www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1DxUu6LMJU

or

Play on itunes

Play on Stitcher

Synopsis:
A gamer named Kwon yoo (Ji Chang wook) is unemployed, but in the virtual world he is a leader. Kwon yoo is then framed for murder. With the help of his gaming buddies they try to uncover the truth about this murder case.

Music by bensound.com
Donate to help keep the show going at www.patreon.com/joecabello . It does cost more money to do this podcast than a normal podcast, since we have to see these movies. Any bit helps and encourages us.

Also, feel free to email us your thoughts at KMR@joecabello.com

Hosts Joe Cabello (author Scrote One, The Farts Awakens) and Fred Le (Sherane Musical Comedy Show) review a new Korean film each week. They’ll be coming from the point of view of outsiders who don’t normally keep up to date on Korean cinema, nor will they know much about the movie before seeing it. What you’ll get is an earnest review.

As we record more episodes and watch more movies, I imagine our relationship to Korean cinema will change. So stay tuned and check us out!

Listen to the Podcast on Soundcloud (iTunes, Stitcher)

Donate on Patreon

What’s Coming to Streaming in February – The Golden Stream

Fred Le and myself bring you what’s coming up on Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon streaming, as well as what’s leaving… with jokes!

Also make sure to check out Riz Raru in… The Case of the Sticky Fingers, a new story I’m releasing week by week.

And sign up for my mailing list (CLICK HERE TO DO SO) and I’ll send you a copy of Scrote One: A Star Wars Parody!

Riz Raru in… The Case of the Sticky Fingers

Hello!

So many exciting things are happening right now with Scrote One, my Star Wars Parody, and my compilation of short stories (free on Amazon right now!), but I’m sick of promoting. It’s time I give an excerpt from something I’m working on.

It’s about a female private investigator named Riz Raru. It’s based off of a teleplay I wrote, but I think it works better like this because I was able to add a ton of more jokes. Let me know what you think!

---

It had been my first case in a long time where a civilian hadn’t ended up dead, and the first case in an even longer time where I hadn’t been the one to kill the civilian. Even that might not be true, since I tend to conveniently forget those types of details. It works really well for plausible deniability, but mostly I’m just forgetful.

My name’s Riz Raru. I’m a special cases private investigator, which means people all over the world hire me to help them investigate the cases no one else will take. Like cases about aliens, conspiracy theories, or ones that expose beloved celebrities as rapists. I’m just your typical gumshoe, and sometimes gumsandal in the Summer.

I can also see ghosts, so there’s that… but they can’t see me, and I can’t interact with them or anything, so some would say it’s not very important at all, or that it’s just a marketing tactic to make the cover look more interesting. I’m always told that if I didn’t lie so much about other things that they might actually believe me about the ghosts, but I tell them how much I like lying, which is often one of the only true things I say in the conversation.

I’ve always had a bit of a sixth sense… for justice. People may call me a little crazy, reckless, or a danger to society, but I’m just a normal girl who solves the unsolvable.

And sees ghosts.

And I’m also searching for the man who killed my parents.

RIZ RARU in…. The Case of the Sticky Fingers

It all started when I was born… but there’s a lot of boring stuff in between that and the interesting stuff, so I’ll just cut ahead.

The interesting stuff all started when I was tailing one John Drexel just outside the Japanese restaurant on 9^th street, or it might have been 3^rd street. Let’s split the difference and say… 3^rd street. The restaurant was called Sushi Go, which isn’t important unless you want to order from there. I suggest the orange chicken.

Drexel delicately picked up his Shih-Tzu, cradling it in his arms, and then entered the restaurant. The dog must have felt like a baby does when it’s picked up like a dog.

I glared at him through my car window as he walked in, looking like the cockiest prick I’d ever seen. He looked so damn cocky I spent extra time glaring at him and ended up getting a parking ticket. After a couple minutes of trying to convince the parking attendant to take back the ticket, which resulted in a shouting match lasting several more tickets, I got out of my car and followed Drexel inside.

The restaurant smelled like a restaurant, so everything checked out there, but there was still the Drexel matter to take care of. I tiptoed through the lobby and shushed the hostess before she could speak. I shushed her again as she was trying to keep quiet, just because. I flashed her my badge and my gun. I thought about flashing her my boobs too, but it would have just muddled the message.

I told her to call the cops, then put in an order of orange chicken. I continued into the restaurant, palms sweaty, nervous about not ordering anything for me and the cops. It felt rude.

In a private room, Drexel ate his bowl of rice one grain at a time, like a real asshole, as I barged in with my gun pointed right between his eyes. If my investigative work was half as good as I thought it was, that’s where his brain would be, just like mine.

“Stop right there. I know what you did,” I said, fearless and brave, since I was the one with the gun and all.

He patted his lips with a napkin and smiled. “And you would be?”

I threw him my badge. He inspected it and smiled. “This is a toy.”

“You damn right it is,” I said, “I’m Riz Raru. Special cases investigator.”

“Ah, yes. I’ve heard of you, Ms. Private Investigator. You solve the unsolvable cases, don’t you? And here you’ve solved mine. Bravo. So, you’ve figured it all out, have you? How I’ve been diverting power from the city center to operate my secret underground factoring, manufacturing my own polysynthetic weapons, and selling them to the Russians for vast amounts of money. Good work- “

I cut him off and told him that what I was referring to was that he didn’t clean up after his dog. He questioned why I would pull my gun on him for that. I told him I’ve pulled it out on someone for a lot less.

His face turned as red as a baboon’s ass after a spanking, and before it too. He stood up quickly, “hah! Well, it doesn’t matter why you came here. Since I revealed my plan to you, you won’t be leaving with your life!”

He drew his gun on me and I was suddenly regretting not checking him for a gun, or not bringing a bigger gun, but it wasn’t long before he learned that you can’t pull a fast one on old Riz Raru. The cops burst in with their guns drawn, leaving Drexel wishing he would have pulled a slow one on me.

The chief of police asked what the hell was going on. I asked him who the hell he was. He said he was the chief of police. I told him that I thought the chief of police wore some sort of head dress. He said that was an Indian chief, and I told him “oh, right.” While this was happening, Drexel almost got away, but the other police officers (who were wearing head dresses) caught him.

I told the chief that Drexel had a secret underground factory for photosynthesis with Russians and weapons or something. I asked Drexel what it was again, since he was so good as explaining it, but he was too busy fuming. I told them that it would just be easier if they checked under the city center for the photocopiers, or whatever.

After a while they thanked me and told me that, “no, for the second time, you can’t shoot the dog.” I reminded them that the dog was technically a bad guy. They told me that just because someone’s a bad guy doesn’t mean you can execute them. I told them I knew a few bad guys who wished I would have known that a couple weeks ago.

The cops were starting to ask questions so I figured it was time to go. Since I didn’t get any money off the case, I was in desperate need for a new gig. Or just a big bag of money. I would have preferred that. I headed back to the office hoping there’d be a gig waiting for me, but not before I took one important stop.

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The Kresnik Files is FREE for the next couple of days. Check it out and give it a review.

And you can get a copy of Scrote One over at Goodreads!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Scrote One

by Joe Cabello

Giveaway ends January 18, 2017.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

 

Enter Giveaway

https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/widget/218036

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I’m a comedy writer in Los Angeles who sometimes performs, and sometimes teaches karate to children. You may know my work from an unproduced half-hour series for a major airline, or my book The Farts Awakens. If you don’t know my work from that, you should probably buy it, then you will know it AND I’ll get money (actually, don’t buy it yet, I am going to give it to you for free!)

I’ve started a Patreon Page that desperately needs donations so I can create and release videos, finish my book, and continue living in expensive LA.

FIND THE PATREON PAGE HERE
I write constantly, but I rarely produce anything that I write because it’s really hard… plus it takes money. Then I realized I can just use YOUR sweet, sweet money to make things! I have rewards set -up so that you can get all my books for free just by being a donor. And it’s relaly fun!

These are some things I’ve written or made in the past:
Say Anything Parody
Gun Down, an action film
The Adventures of Young Time Traveling Thomas Jefferson

If you liked those, you’ll have no regrets giving me your money. Your sweet, sweet money. If you didn’t like those then I can promise I’ll only get better.

The more money I can get, the more ambitious projects I can do. I want to do podcasts, radio plays, comics, and short films. By subscribing you’ll be kept up to date on the creative process.

Some future projects your funding helps:
Lightrail: The Separation – an all green screen sci-fi series
Space Heroes – an absurd, Airplane style sci-fi series
Finish my book, Lessons in Debauchery, and release it.
and many more!

Funny Or Die http://www.funnyordie.com/joecabello
Youtube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfNBhJ5Lw5ySNhz_I…

https://www.patreon.com/joecabello

Thank you for your consideration!

Scientist Separates Man from his Fragile Male Ego

Check out my new video where a scientist separates man from his fragile male ego. Vote funny and show your friends if you’re into that sort of things.

Check out my patreon page which will help me create more! It will especially aid in speeding up the release of my book.

Embed isn’t working properly so follow this link: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed45f5b6c0/scientist-separates-man-from-his-fragile-male-ego

 

The Adventures of Young, Time Traveling Thomas Jefferson

Shot this sketch a month or so ago, and it was recently described as “A time traveling Thomas Jefferson has a debate about slavery with his black roommate,” which really makes it sound like more of a drama, but it’s totally not.

//www.funnyordie.com/embed/0de9d29b4a

The Adventures of Young, Time Traveling Thomas Jefferson – watch more funny videos

Something In Your Teeth – Has this ever happened to you?

This is a short sketch I wrote and shot last Friday. It’s short and sweet and I made sure to only put ONE joke in it so that people didn’t watch and think “that’s too many jokes…”

//www.funnyordie.com/embed/cb8b9c529e

When You Have Something In Your Teeth – watch more funny videos