Comedian & Writer: My Blog
Two years ago I quit my full time job to write a book. It literally all started with a short story called “A Plane Hijacking Story with Billy Joel” and I loved the main character so much (not Billy Joel) that I kept writing for 37k more words.
Being my first book, it has its issues, and I never fully edited it, so week by week I’ll release a chapter that I’ve edited enough that its readable.
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Recently I was invited back to the Word with Friend podcast hosted by Julian Stern. We talk about my new book and I spout utter nonsense. It’s a good time!
Don’t forget to buy my book, The Longest Haiku!
(Click the image for the link)
My new book, The Longest Haiku, is now available on Amazon! Money I make from it goes towards my medical bills from my recent shoulder injury, so I’d love it if you buy it or share it on social media. You can check out the table of content below after the link.
I wrote a coffee table/joke/haiku book to help pay for my medical bills from my broken shoulder. You know what that means? Not only do you get an awesome book, you also get to help someone in need (ME!)
YOU CAN BUY IT ON CREATE SPACE HERE
It will be available on Amazon soon, but I prefer if you buy it on CreateSpace.
If you can’t buy it, no problem! But please give the link a share on twitter, Facebook, and every other cool place.
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Authored by Joe Cabello
Cover design or artwork by Connie Shin
No one said I could do it.
No one said I should do it.
Then I did it.
This book holds the longest haiku ever written, using a syllable hack that will surely be highly debated for years to come.
From the comedic mind of Joe Cabello, learn the very nature of what a haiku is and why it exists. This book will make you laugh, then make you cry (but if it makes you cry then laugh, that’s good too)
PLEASE NOTE: This book is one poem with the letter “m” repeated for over 65 pages. There is more content than the repeated “m,” but the majority of the book will simply be that. It is an “artful joke” that will forever change the landscape of your coffee table.
My last post got some good love, so as promised, here’s Chapter 9. If you haven’t read the introduction yet, read it here.
Lessons In Debauchery: The Topher Weyland Story is an adventure comedy novel about an aspiring TV personality who gets recruited by the CIA to be a distraction, but things quickly get out of hand when he forces himself into their mission and is thrust into saving the world.
I’ve included a little blurb about the events leading up to this chapter so you won’t be super confused, and you can read some of my thoughts on it at the bottom of the post.
Chapter 9
Fired
Topher has literally risked his life to get back to the studio to film an important episode of his show when his producer, Frank, summons him to his office looking furious.
“I knew you were a scumbag, but this is low!” he yelled.
Frank’s face was as red and swollen as his wife’s vagina after our lovemaking. That was my opener when I walked into the room, hoping to diffuse the situation. It didn’t work, but at least I had a funny anecdote to use when I told people about it later.
“You had sex? I thought you just kissed!”
I tried lie #1. “It’s not what you think. She must have had sex with a guy who looked like me. You know how small her brain can be sometimes.”
Lie #1 backfired, which it often does. Luckily I don’t always start off with my strongest lies.
Lesson:
Don’t waste your good lies early. You want to have a couple of great options to fall back on.
“Shit,” I said without missing a beat, “I meant, whoever told you this is obviously a big liar. I say we buckle down and find out who this person is, what they want, and why they’re trying to frame me-”
“I saw you! I have video of you two kissing!” he shouted, pointing at his office security camera.
“Can I have a copy?”
He whizzed a stapler at me, but my lightning reflexes kicked in and my hand blocked it, which broke my pinky instantly.
“Frank, just calm down. You have to understand. I didn’t know she was your wife. I thought she was your daughter.”
He whizzed his other stapler at me, but I was too busy wondering why he had two staplers to block it in time.
He hissed at me, “You’re fired. We’re having you replaced with Glen River Howard.”
Glen River Howard was a two-bit Youtube host at best, and the closest thing I had to a rival.
“Don’t be a stupid asshole, Frank. Glen River Howard doesn’t have half my talent, and I’ve seen him make eyes at your wife. You don’t want two guys screwing your wife, do you?”
He feverishly searched for something to throw at me, but there was only paper. “You may be hot shit right now, but I’m going to make sure everyone knows what you really are: a selfish, sociopathic prick.”
I needed to get him back on my side. “I hate to say this, but you’re sounding like a really big, dumb asshole right now.”
Judging by his heaving chest, it didn’t work. Luckily instead of finding another stapler to throw at me, he quickly composed himself and sat down.
“Get out.” His eyes darted down to his desk. He couldn’t even make eye contact with me. It was a good thing since I was checking my phone anyway.
Things were looking grim. Frank was completely ruining my big break. There had to be something I could do.
The chemicals in my brain started to churn, which meant I was getting a great idea.
“Who else knows, Frank?” I asked.
“I’m making the announcement after you leave,” he said, the wind out of his sails.
I stood there, weighing my options: Leave a shamed man, and work my way back up the entertainment ladder. Or…
He pretended to shuffle and sign some papers. “You’re still here? What part of leave didn’t you understand?”
I slowly walked to the door and locked it.
“What are you doing?-”
My wingtip smashed into his face with one of my patented front kicks, which I was hoping would knock him out instantly, but it didn’t so I had to keep kicking.
After about 46 kicks I stopped and he was out cold. With my shoes bloody and weathered, I had no choice but to take Frank’s. I know what this sounds like: I beat a man to near death after sleeping with his wife, and then stole his shoes. I guess while that is literally what happened, it makes me sound less heroic. I stuffed him in his closet and tied him up, but I made sure to leave a note:
I told myself that after I filmed this last episode of “Do You Have Your Keys?” and got a new dynamite hosting gig, I’d buy new teeth for Frank. After all, I didn’t want to hurt him. I was just doing what I had to do. It’s not like I was a monster.
I rifled through his desk for other things that I could steal when there was a knock on the door, and I saw the silhouettes of two suited men through the opaque glass.
A lot of this chapter is still pretty messy, focusing more on the comedy than brilliant prose. That’s something I want to work on as it develops. First and foremost with this book are the laughs though, and I think this chapter gives a good indication of Topher’s unapologetic nature.
So far I’m about 34,000 words in with an aim of about 40-45k words total. The chapters are meant to be small, around the length of the chapter above to make it a nice, tight read.
I can’t wait to get done with the full first draft and appreciate any feedback or if you are aching to read some more, even if its very rough still.
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Hello!
I recently released the introduction chapter of my book, Lessons in Debauchery: The Topher Weyland Story. Read it here. Let me know what you think in the comments, please, but I bet it doesn’t give you much sense of the story and how it plays out, does it?
Well, I have a solution for that! I have Chapter 9 ready to roll out if there is enough interest in it.
I know what you’re thinking:
Chapter 9? Isn’t that like 9 chapters into the book? Start with, I don’t know, Chapter 1?
That’s actually a really good idea, but Chapter 9 is the only really polished chapter (although I’m sure they will all get heavily edited by the time it’s official “done.” Either that or burned in a insurance fraud house fire). It’s exceptionally funny, if I’m allowing myself to toot my own horn, and I’d love some feedback.
If this post gets enough likes or comments I’ll share it ASAP!
I am pleased to release the introduction chapter of my book on my blog! It’s got a couple of jokes in it, you know. No big deal. You can also download it in PDF if that’s what you’re into. Let me know what you think, and pass it along to your friends and enemies.
The book is an adventure comedy about an aspiring TV personality who gets recruited by the CIA to be a distraction, but things quickly get out of hand when he forces himself into their mission and is thrust into saving the world.
My name is Topher Weyland, and if you’re reading this I’m already dead.
Assuming you’re reading this 50+ years after I’ve written it, because I’d be far too old to still be alive. Unless, of course, they’ve made some kind of robot body to put my consciousness in after my human body withers and dies. Then you have to ask, is it really even me anymore?
But those aren’t the questions we’re going to ask or answer in this book. Well, maybe we will ask them later. I can’t say. It never made much sense to me to write the intro after you’ve written the book, and I don’t like playing by the rules. Not even my own. Either way, we definitely won’t answer those questions.
This book is going to be filled with lessons, which are a lot like rules except you don’t have to follow them. Avoid rules. They’re too constraining. There’s no rule book for life, right? If there was, a million idiots would probably buy it.
I love lessons, because unlike rules, you can’t be punished for not following them. My favorite thing about life is you can keep repeating your mistakes until you’re dead or you get a girl pregnant. Luckily I’m sterile, but you’ll learn about that later.
I’d like to say I’m an every man, but I’m not. I’m the type of guy who can’t be grouped in a “type of guy” classification. I’m one-of-a-kind. The purpose of this book is to reach out to the one, or maybe two other men out there who are also one-of-a-kind. (And to gloat about my accomplishments, of course.)
This book will explore the very nature of what it means to be a human. A human man named Topher Weyland. From Sunnyvale, California. Social security ending in 6578.
If you’re curious about how I look, here is a picture of me a computer might make:
Here is a picture of me a small child made:
(Just kidding. I drew it, but in the style of a small child. That’s how talented I am)
I’m about to tell you biggest adventure of my life, which has been “my life.” Hell, it’s all been an adventure, right? Even if I’ve only been in one high-speed chase… a day. I’ll also throw in a couple of lessons along the way. The kind of lessons the one person this book is written for can learn from.
For good measure. Here are a couple of lessons everyone can learn from:
Follow me on my journey from a child, to becoming the hottest up-and-coming television personality, to an American spy, to an astronaut, to a sex slave, and all the way back again.
By the end of this book, I promise, you will have read the whole thing.
Let me know what you think and if you’d like to see more chapters. I’ll definitely post more if there’s more demand.
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Joe Cabello 