The Longest Haiku! See what’s inside!

My new book, The Longest Haiku, is now available on Amazon! Money I make from it goes towards my medical bills from my recent shoulder injury, so I’d love it if you buy it or share it on social media. You can check out the table of content below after the link.

Buy it on Amazon!

the longest haiku here

the longest haiku page 1 the longest haiku table of content

 

My New Book is Out! The Longest Haiku!

The Longest Haiku!

I wrote a coffee table/joke/haiku book to help pay for my medical bills from my broken shoulder. You know what that means? Not only do you get an awesome book, you also get to help someone in need (ME!)

YOU CAN BUY IT ON CREATE SPACE HERE

It will be available on Amazon soon, but I prefer if you buy it on CreateSpace.

If you can’t buy it, no problem! But please give the link a share on twitter, Facebook, and every other cool place.
Tweet: Ever seen a 60+ page #haiku ? Think it's impossible? It's not! Check out @joecabello 's new #book The Longest Haiku http://bit.ly/1KP2lozClick this button to tweet instantly!

100% 5-7-5 syllable structure. The longest haiku ever written.

Authored by Joe Cabello
Cover design or artwork by Connie Shin THUMBNAIL_IMAGE

No one said I could do it.

No one said I should do it.

Then I did it.

This book holds the longest haiku ever written, using a syllable hack that will surely be highly debated for years to come.

From the comedic mind of Joe Cabello, learn the very nature of what a haiku is and why it exists. This book will make you laugh, then make you cry (but if it makes you cry then laugh, that’s good too)

PLEASE NOTE: This book is one poem with the letter “m” repeated for over 65 pages. There is more content than the repeated “m,” but the majority of the book will simply be that. It is an “artful joke” that will forever change the landscape of your coffee table.

 

A Plane Hijacking Story with Billy Joel

This one is a little long, but trust me, you’ll want to read the whole thing, so bookmark if you need to!


It was midnight and the Tokyo airlines flight 881 was halfway to Shinai. Taking red eye flights used to be fun until the movie Red Eye came out. Movies have a tendency to ruin things, like how Pretty Woman ruined hookers. Most of them aren’t as nice and charming as Julia Roberts. Some are even guys, which isn’t so bad, but it’s false advertising.

The plane was filled with mostly Americans, other than the few other people who don’t matter to this story. Post 9/11 you really start to notice who’s on the plane with you , and let’s be honest, you’re more comfortable in a plane full of white people, even if you’re on a plane from Japan to India. This, of course, is not true for albinos. If you’re on a plane full of albinos, change your flight.

A lot of people think that planes contain the demographic mixture of the departure city and the destination, but they’re more like bad breath containers.. Especially at the butt-crack of dawn, when bad breath is at its most rampant.

The night air was thick with the rubbery smell of people-breath. I bet most of them hadn’t even brushed their teeth in hours. It smelled like they had all chewed on a condom (Not a used one. That would be gross. Not the same condom either).Continue reading “A Plane Hijacking Story with Billy Joel”

Some Thoughts on the Summer Heat in Los Angeles

The Summer heat can be brutal, especially when you don’t have air conditioning. It got so hot this Summer that my girlfriend told me she couldn’t be in the apartment anymore. She even changed her number and completely disappeared from my life. It must have been so hot she couldn’t stand our body heat, or even the brainheat from thinking about me.

The heat gets really bad here. Every Summer I think I’ll never wear pants again. Mostly because this gypsy woman keeps following me saying, “You’ll never wear pants again! I curse you!” By the time Winter comes it never ends up being true, so I guess Gypsy curses must only work in the Winter. Things are tough for everyone this time of year.

The heat has a tendency to make people angry too. They’ll say things like “It’s too damn hot!” and “You’re really annoying, Joe!” The heat gets so bad they even say some of those things after the weather cools down.

Some people think the sun is going to expand so fast day one day that it will burn us all alive. And then they ask you for some change, but the light turns green at the freeway exit so you drive away.

I feel really bad for those people. We’re obviously going to die from some alien war before the sun kills us. Some people are so crazy that you start to think they deserve to be homeless. At least they have constant AC. The wind.

6 Celebrities You Never Thought Could Pull Off A Beard Using Their Bare Hands.

This was another parody I did to a bunch of articles I’ve seen titled “X celebrities you never knew could pull of a beard.”

Good news for my followers too! I just finished draft 1 of my book, Lessons in Debauchery: The Topher Weyland Story. It’s at 47,000+ words. I can’t even believe it. Here’s chapter 1 and 9!

I’ll also be self-publishing a joke poetry book soon, titled “The Longest Haiku.” Follow so you can find out all about that.


 

To beard, or not to beard. That is the question.

Some guys look like they were born to pull of a beard, others, not so much. Then there’s those that surprise us! Either way, pulling off a beard is an amazing feat.

These are some of the hottest celeb guys who can surprisingly remove another man’s beard, often violently, using only their bare hands.

Jay Z

jayz

You don’t build an empire without ripping off a few beards. It’s been reported that Hova has taken over 17 men’s beards.

Bruno Mars

bruno

At 5’5″ he may not be too tall, but it must help him when it comes to pulling off beards. Sources say he uses a tactic of reaching up for the beard then planting his feet on their chest, using his legs to help uproot the beard.

Daryl Palumbo

Daryl_Palumbo_2014

Frontman of the bands Glassjaw, Head Automatica and Color Film, Daryl Palumbo might not be a household name, but he does have a collection of over 400 beards.

Mark Consuelos

Russell Young's CELEBRITY PORTRAITURE gallery opening at Milk Studios

Hubby to Kelly Ripa, Mark Consuelos may be easy on the eyes, but he never goes easy on a beard.

Tim Allen

tim allen

I can just imagine the sound of Tim Allen’s iconic grunts as he rips away at a beard (That’s if it’s audible over the screaming). Seriously! Tim Allen has a wicked reputation as a beard yanker. Look out boys, it’s groom time.

Frank Beard

zztop

With the last name Beard, ironically he’s the only member of ZZ Top that doesn’t sport the band’s iconic beard, unironically he does seek out beards to steal from other men.

5 Things More Likely to Kill You Than a Terrorist Attack or my Drunk Driving Accident

Here’s a parody article I wrote to the type of article “Things more likely to kill you than a terrorist attack.” I didn’t actually get in a drunk driving accident, although I keep trying really hard.


When will there be another attack? How many will lives will be taken this year? Who is this faceless enemy?

It seems that whenever we talk about public safety, our biggest fear is terrorism, or my 2012 drunk driving accident that took the lives of eight high school students.

Although acts of terrorism can be extremely tragic and unsettling, they are actually far less likely to kill you than many other common things, and the chances of me getting behind the wheel and plowing through eight teenagers behind a fence is even less likely, so can we stop treating me like I’m some kind of monster?

Here are five things that are more likely to kill you than a terrorist attack, or my drunk driving:

Drowning in a bathtub

The statistics don’t lie on this one. The risk of being killed by terrorism compared to drowning in a bathtub is 1 in 800,000; That’s much more likely to happen than me being involved in another crash as well, since people take baths everyday. I don’t even drive anymore. I ride my bike, so you guys don’t have to treat me like I’m some kind of serial killer.

Airplane accident

I’m not talking about an airplane accident involving a terrorist. I’m talking about a random malfunction or a bird hitting the jet engine. You wouldn’t treat the bird like a pariah, would you? Those teenagers were drinking too, yet NO ONE brings that up. Why were they even behind that fence? I took that route specifically because no one should have been there.

Car accident

Of course, I’m talking about car crashes other than my 2012 crash. This wasn’t a great example.

Killed by police officer

That’s right! There are more instance of police officers killing innocent people than there are terrorist attacks on US soil. Our very own Officer Martel put thirteen year old Terry Willis in the hospital and you guys practically threw a party for him. I can’t even shop at the local grocery stores anymore without getting my tires slashed. I didn’t expect to come back to open arms, but everyone’s been violently aggressive..

Accidental suffocation/choking

Historically there are more choking or suffocation deaths than any deaths caused by me for drunk driving, so stop calling me the grim reaper.

As you can see, there’s no reason to live in fear, or cough “murderer” when I pass by. If anything I should be pitied. Two of those teenagers were my kids after all.


I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think in the comments.

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The Last Dragons [An Slightly Erotic, Bizarre Fiction about Dragons]

 

Prior to this, I’ve posted this on my official site, JoeCabello.com, and quickly realized (through the power of analytics) that many people were finding it by googling “dragon sex stories” or “dragons having sex with humans stories.” That’s, unfortunately, not what this story is about, though it does have some erotic elements for the sake of comedy.

Hopefully you enjoy it as it was intended, as it is not “sexy” enough to be considered successful erotic literature


 

Graydis was only one of three dragons left in a world once thickly populated with dragons. He was on his way to mate with the last female dragon, Kirdana, but he was dreading it. Kirdana was nice enough, especially considering the slim pickings, but having sex with dragon women was awful.

Male dragons had smooth, almost glass-like phalluses, however, female dragon vaginas were filled with sharp barbs. They were a vestigial trait from eons before to help dragon mate while in the air. Many dragons would slip out in mid-flight. Ironically, the barbs became so awful that the male dragons began avoiding mating at all costs. Most were happy just to pleasure themselves and call it a day. Graydis greatly preferred it.Continue reading “The Last Dragons [An Slightly Erotic, Bizarre Fiction about Dragons]”

A Poorly Worded Proposal from a Student Photographer to his Highschool

I wrote this a few weeks ago but hesitated posting until now since people can’t seem to get their shit together and not shoot up a movie theater or a school every week. Despite these atrocities, hopefully we can still find the humor in this.

 

A letter from a student in response to the second year in a row of no school photos due to budget cuts:


After being ignored by the school faculty for so long, I’ve decided to take things into my own hands and execute a school shooting. I’ve made my choice and this is something I’m going to do. Each and every one of our student body deserves to be seen for who they really were at this school. They deserve to be shot.

Last year there was no year book due to lack of funding. With things going the way they are now, there won’t be a yearbook this year either. Instead of a yearbook, we’ll have my legacy. I will shoot every student personally, as well as every faculty member. Then I’ll make sure everyone sees it.

I’ve been amassing equipment for months now, and I have more than enough to take care of all the students. They’ll all look like angels when I’m done with them.

I’ll shoot Jessica and David together, since they’re such a lovely couple. They deserve to be done together. There are others who will get “special treatment.” I can’t stop thinking about how I’m going to shoot certain people. I daydream all day about bursting shots during football practice, getting the team when they least expect it.

Please don’t try and stop me. I’ll do this one by one, little by little, in the shadows if I have to.

Go Spartans!


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Chapter 9 is here! And it’s funny?! You decide!

My last post got some good love, so as promised, here’s Chapter 9. If you haven’t read the introduction yet, read it here.

Lessons In Debauchery: The Topher Weyland Story is an adventure comedy novel about an aspiring TV personality who gets recruited by the CIA to be a distraction, but things quickly get out of hand when he forces himself into their mission and is thrust into saving the world.

I’ve included a little blurb about the events leading up to this chapter so you won’t be super confused, and you can read some of my thoughts on it at the bottom of the post.

Chapter 9
Fired

Topher has literally risked his life to get back to the studio to film an important episode of his show when his producer, Frank, summons him to his office looking furious.


“I knew you were a scumbag, but this is low!” he yelled.

Frank’s face was as red and swollen as his wife’s vagina after our lovemaking. That was my opener when I walked into the room, hoping to diffuse the situation. It didn’t work, but at least I had a funny anecdote to use when I told people about it later.

“You had sex? I thought you just kissed!”

I tried lie #1. “It’s not what you think. She must have had sex with a guy who looked like me. You know how small her brain can be sometimes.”

Lie #1 backfired, which it often does. Luckily I don’t always start off with my strongest lies.


Lesson:

Don’t waste your good lies early. You want to have a couple of great options to fall back on.


“Shit,” I said without missing a beat, “I meant, whoever told you this is obviously a big liar. I say we buckle down and find out who this person is, what they want, and why they’re trying to frame me-”

“I saw you! I have video of you two kissing!” he shouted, pointing at his office security camera.

“Can I have a copy?”

He whizzed a stapler at me, but my lightning reflexes kicked in and my hand blocked it, which broke my pinky instantly.

“Frank, just calm down. You have to understand. I didn’t know she was your wife. I thought she was your daughter.”

He whizzed his other stapler at me, but I was too busy wondering why he had two staplers to block it in time.

He hissed at me, “You’re fired. We’re having you replaced with Glen River Howard.”

Glen River Howard was a two-bit Youtube host at best, and the closest thing I had to a rival.

“Don’t be a stupid asshole, Frank. Glen River Howard doesn’t have half my talent, and I’ve seen him make eyes at your wife. You don’t want two guys screwing your wife, do you?”

He feverishly searched for something to throw at me, but there was only paper. “You may be hot shit right now, but I’m going to make sure everyone knows what you really are: a selfish, sociopathic prick.”

I needed to get him back on my side. “I hate to say this, but you’re sounding like a really big, dumb asshole right now.”

Judging by his heaving chest, it didn’t work. Luckily instead of finding another stapler to throw at me, he quickly composed himself and sat down.

“Get out.” His eyes darted down to his desk. He couldn’t even make eye contact with me. It was a good thing since I was checking my phone anyway.

Things were looking grim. Frank was completely ruining my big break. There had to be something I could do.

The chemicals in my brain started to churn, which meant I was getting a great idea.

“Who else knows, Frank?” I asked.

“I’m making the announcement after you leave,” he said, the wind out of his sails.

I stood there, weighing my options: Leave a shamed man, and work my way back up the entertainment ladder. Or…

He pretended to shuffle and sign some papers. “You’re still here? What part of leave didn’t you understand?”

I slowly walked to the door and locked it.

“What are you doing?-”

My wingtip smashed into his face with one of my patented front kicks, which I was hoping would knock him out instantly, but it didn’t so I had to keep kicking.

After about 46 kicks I stopped and he was out cold. With my shoes bloody and weathered, I had no choice but to take Frank’s. I know what this sounds like: I beat a man to near death after sleeping with his wife, and then stole his shoes. I guess while that is literally what happened, it makes me sound less heroic. I stuffed him in his closet and tied him up, but I made sure to leave a note:

note

I told myself that after I filmed this last episode of “Do You Have Your Keys?” and got a new dynamite hosting gig, I’d buy new teeth for Frank. After all, I didn’t want to hurt him. I was just doing what I had to do. It’s not like I was a monster.

I rifled through his desk for other things that I could steal when there was a knock on the door, and I saw the silhouettes of two suited men through the opaque glass.


 

Some of my thoughts:

A lot of this chapter is still pretty messy, focusing more on the comedy than brilliant prose. That’s something I want to work on as it develops. First and foremost with this book are the laughs though, and I think this chapter gives a good indication of Topher’s unapologetic nature.

So far I’m about 34,000 words in with an aim of about 40-45k words total. The chapters are meant to be small, around the length of the chapter above to make it a nice, tight read.

I can’t wait to get done with the full first draft and appreciate any feedback or if you are aching to read some more, even if its very rough still.

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Chapter 9 of my book? Who’s interested?

Hello!

I recently released the introduction chapter of my book, Lessons in Debauchery: The Topher Weyland Story. Read it here. Let me know what you think in the comments, please, but I bet it doesn’t give you much sense of the story and how it plays out, does it?

Well, I have a solution for that! I have Chapter 9 ready to roll out if there is enough interest in it.

I know what you’re thinking:

Chapter 9? Isn’t that like 9 chapters into the book? Start with, I don’t know, Chapter 1?

That’s actually a really good idea, but Chapter 9 is the only really polished chapter (although I’m sure they will all get heavily edited by the time it’s official “done.” Either that or burned in a insurance fraud house fire). It’s exceptionally funny, if I’m allowing myself to toot my own horn, and I’d love some feedback.

If this post gets enough likes or comments I’ll share it ASAP!