Ways to Know Your Office is a Toxic Work Environment

Do you know if you’re working in a toxic work environment?

Americans spend roughly 1700 hours a year in the workplace. That’s a lot of time to be spending in a place that could be emotionally and physically damaging.

Here are some ways you can tell if you’re in a toxic work environment:

-There’s a cloud of gas in or around the building.

-You suffer from constant hallucinations.

-You work for an evil organization, or an organization that stops evil organizations. (Evil organizations often store toxic gas and have apathetic employees. Let’s be honest, evil organizations don’t employ the best and brightest, so toxic gas accidents are fairly frequent. If you work for an organization that stops evil organizations, you are most likely constantly attacked by toxic gas.)

-You’re encouraged to wear a hazmat suit.

-There’s a guy named Nuclear Dave who gives a daily speech, referring to you as his “toxic warriors” and how you will “topple the world powers.”

-You’ve grown extra appendages since working there.

-There’s a company funeral every other day.

-Your boss is a dick.

About the Clown I Hired for John’s Birthday

I’ve been busy doing nothing ever since recovering from my surgery, but I do have some exciting things developing, including a book announcement very soon. I appreciate any encouragement, and please subscribe to get more info on the book as it comes out.

Enjoy.


 

First I want to address that, no, the clown I hired was not an actual clown. I admit that, and I am sorry, but we have to look at the good here.

Was he a clown? No.

Did he do funny tricks, songs or dances, as was expected? No.

Did he hurt anyone? Yes, but it wasn’t anyone in our family, so we’ll count it as a no.

Was he talented at what he did bring to the table? Absolutely.

I agree that he was absolutely not dressed appropriately for the party. He was not wearing clown pants, or pants at all, and what looked like a blonde clown wig from afar was actually a live bee hive, but was that not a sight to behold?

I remember the neighborhood kid, Jackson, yelling, “He’s got a beehive on his head!” He was so excited. Sure, one, if not many of the bees stung him, and his excitement could have been mistaken for fear due to his severe bee allergy, but that energy was infectious. Soon after he started yelling, everyone else was too.

I truly believe that more people had a good time than a bad time, or at least that there were more people not stung than there were stung, and that’s saying something considering the amount of bees in the hive. I also think you fail to see that our clown in question was not stung once. I for one, thought that was pretty impressive, and worthy of the $200.

I’ve heard the things you say about me. I’m the screw-up uncle, I’m a loose cannon, I owe you $5,000 etc. I know that you think I forgot to book an actual clown, and instead found a homeless man off the street and paid him money to pretend he was a clown, while also urging him to wear the bee hive on his head (even more amazing that he wasn’t stung), but I assure you that I booked him way in advance, so I was just as upset as you were about the whole fiasco.

I hate to say it, but I fear a bit of racism is what fueled your anger towards the man I hired. We both know he was Italian (or at least looked and smelled Italian) and that’s what really bothered you, not that he caused the neighborhood kid Jackson to be stung over 80 times, tried to kiss your wife, and yelled obscenities at all the kids.

Let’s agree to split the blame on this one 70(you)/30(me) and call the party a success. Anyways, I’m ready to accept your apology at any time. Maybe you could do it when you pay your share of the clown money and drive me to Jackson’s funeral.

P.S. I need a ride to Jackson’s funeral.


 

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Concerns Over Your Music Player’s New User Agreement

Dear Alpha Computers support,

I’ve been using MusicSource to play and buy music for years, and I really love it. I especially appreciate the regular updates and new features, like your recent June 2nd release. For some reason, before I downloaded the new version, I decided to glance over the new user agreement, something I rarely do before agreeing to those things. Although I’m excited for the new Instant Mash-up feature and enhanced interface, some parts of the agreement stuck out as strange to me, so I’ve forgone updating until I could clear up some parts of it. Like the following:

XIIa. Your blood is ours.

Firstly, I’m not exactly sure what that means. Secondly, it doesn’t sound good. So, here’s a few questions:

Do you plan on taking my blood? Would you be taking it all at once, or would you take a little at a time? If I get a blood transfusion does that blood count as yours? If I have a jar of blood that I’ve purchased, will that blood also constitute as yours? Are we talking specifically to phlebotomy, or does “blood” equate to “kin?”

Aside from the blood aspect, there was also this part of the agreement:

XXXIII: You won’t see the eyes of the demon, until he comes calling.

This doesn’t seem like something I can control, so I’m hesitant to agree to it. I feel like that’s more in the hands of the “demon” whomever that is. Which raises a good question, who is this demon? Does this have something to do with the blood thing?

Then, of course, there was this section:

XL: You will be a sacrifice to the demon Omutep.

This one definitely makes sense of the preceding two, but I just wanted to make sure no words were getting minced here. Let me know if i have this right: Omutep will be coming to take my blood, which will be legally yours, and I won’t see his eyes until he comes calling, something I’m sure Omutep will be arranging himself. Is that about right?

If so, I’m on board and ready to start making some mash-ups, but if it comes with some fucking bullshit U2 album or something I’ll be pissed.


Twitter @joecabell0

facebook.com/joecabellowriter

My Sling

About two weeks ago I got into an ATV accident and broke my shoulder (An ATV is a four wheeled, small vehicle people ride to guarantee hurting themselves). I’ve since had to wear a sling and it’s changed my life for the better.

Suddenly I’m very popular. Like how people who had Segways when they first came out were popular, even though that’s not the case anymore (Segway is a two wheeled vehicle people ride to guarantee ridicule). Everyone wants to talk to me and ask me whats’ going on. Even strangers. Especially strangers, actually.

The other day a really cool looking guy in a wife-beater and red pajama pants stumbled up to me on the street asking, “when did that happen?” as if we’d known each other forever, or at all. It almost made the constant pain worth it.

Talking about it can get pretty exhausting, but I’m getting pretty good at responding. I feel the way actors must when they go on a press junket. At first they’re really self-conscious and nervous about their answers, but then they get so sick of answering the same questions over and over so they start coming up with really confident, creative answers.

It’s not that I’m lying to anyone about what happened. I’ve just been trying out different inflections or attitudes. Like a really weathered, “been here before” tone, like a soldier shot for the hundredth time (in total, not in a row. For obvious reasons). That one is my favorite.

For some people I play up the sadness and horror, and for others I’ve even been known to try a really jovial way. Like how Santa might act if he broke his shoulder.

I’ve enjoyed it so much that I’ve even started to wear my more complex, sleeping sling out in public, even though I don’t even need it anymore. It’s five pieces and makes the injury look 10x worse. To be honest, I don’t even need to wear the normal sling anymore. I wear it more to ward off any hard pats on the shoulder, or to avoid getting beat up. I’m not 100% sure on the psychology of people who beat people up, but I assume that there’s some kind of code to leave people with slings alone. There’s no sport to it.

I think a lot of it has to do with the way I look. I mean, people walk around with slings and injuries all the time and don’t get the attention I get (I’m assuming). I even avoid people with injuries. They just don’t feel safe to be around.

Here’s my theory: People will treat a guy wearing a sling totally differently if he’s wearing a suit opposed to wearing a Monster Energy Drink shirt. Not that I wear a suit all the time, or at all, but my style leans more on the side of suit than it does Monster Energy Drink shirt. I never had the nerve to buy one. Seems like something you should get for free.

Being a clean-cut, well dressed man, people must assume I was attacked, or a victim of some unfortunate accident. As if it somehow wasn’t my fault that I ran an ATV into a tree. I guess the lesson is, if you comb your hair to the side like a British boy, and wear button-up shirts (not button-down shirts. That’s a different thing), you’re admonished of all guilt when it comes to personal injury.

Once I’m fully healed, I can see myself continuing to wear the sling every once and a while. Maybe one day I’ll even get so good at wearing my sling that I’ll make up a more interesting story on how it happened, or wear a Monster energy drink shirt. It couldn’t hurt. Not anymore than running an ATV into a tree.

The Guy Who Doesn’t Have Superpowers Quits the Super Hero Team

Check out my new article on Funny or Die! It’s an open letter from the guy on a super hero team (like The Avengers) who doesn’t have any powers (like Hawkeye). Click “funny” and share, and all of that good stuff if you feel so inclined.

guywhodoesn
Click to Read the Full Article

Excerpt:

Dear Super Squad,

I wish I could say this was hard for me, but it’s not. It’s definitely time that I leave the Super Squad.

How a regular guy like me, without powers, has fought supervillains for the past four years and survived is insane. To be honest, none of it was fun. Most of it was terrifying and painful, even though you all seemed to enjoy yourselves and got through it with your wisecracks, generally jovial natures, and what-not.

I don’t want you to think I’m blaming you for having fun. If I was practically invincible I would have had a lot of fun, too. I don’t even blame Thoral The Powerful for throwing my parachute out of the plane that one time as a “joke” and making me jump without one. At the end of the day, he did catch me before I slammed into the ground, so it’s all good.

What finally made me realize I needed to quit was the fact that we fight a giant ape named Monstroso on a regular basis. When we’re not fighting him it’s some kind of robot army. I’ve never felt a fear greater than facing a robot army of thousands. I hope I never will.

Click to Read Full Article

Full Article

If you missed it last week, check out my funny article from PointsInCase.com about a guy and girl who bring a grenade into their relationship to spice things up: The Most Exciting Relationship I Ever Had