The Flash Drive

A guy and his girlfriend had just moved in together, so they were still getting comfortable with each other’s boundaries. One day the girlfriend asked if she could use his computer, nervously adding, “I’m not going to find any porn on it, am I?”

The guy scoffed and said, “Honey, you will ne’re find a pornographic video nor picture anywhere on my computer.”
She nodded and said, “ok.”
“But,” he added, “don’t go looking through my flash drive.”
She nodded and said, “ok.”
“Because on my flash drive,” he continued, “is my pornography.”
She nodded and said, “ok.”

“And not just any pornography. This is real sick, twisted pornography. The kind of pornography that casts a permanent shadow on a man’s soul. The kind of pornography that could only be described as the Devil incarnate. Some of it is so vile, it’ll leave you doubting if you were ever even capable of turning me on at all, or if our love was all just some charade to hide my true sick, demented desires.”

She nodded and said, “ok.”

He kissed her on the forehead, then left for work. When he came home hours later, his stuff was on the lawn. He was completely taken off guard.
“Why?” he asked.
She told him that she has seen what was on his flash drive, and she’d never be able to look at him the same again.

He felt betrayed because she looked through his private stuff, and she felt betrayed by what she saw. Finally, after a heated argument, he discovered the problem.  She had looked in the wrong flash drive. She had looked in the flash drive with pictures of his nephew on it.

Now, he was angry. “How could you even think that I would pleasure myself to pictures of my nephew, my own flesh and blood? You’re sick, lady. Real sick.” he shouted.
Realizing her mistake, she apologized profusely, and after things calmed down, and they regained their senses, they were laughing and smiling together once again.
As they laid together, pillow-talking, she asked, “What was on your flash drive anyway?”

He said, “Pictures of your nephew.”

The Search for the Spiciest Curry

There was this foodie who was utterly obsessed with finding the spiciest curry in all the world. He had traveled to literally every single restaurant and hobby-chef’s kitchen, yet couldn’t find a single curry worthy of his tongue. He had one last hope though. The final restaurant he had yet to try. The one known for a curry of legendary spiciness.

The owner, a small old woman, came out to greet him. Not wanting to waste a minute delaying his goal, he demanded she serve him her spiciest curry, so she did. It was certainly a delicious and spicy curry, but still it didn’t satisfy his desires. Supremely frustrated after years of disappointment, he started to scream and yell at the woman for serving him such a pathetically benign dish. Filled with rage, he laid into the woman, making fun of how she looked, smelled, and most devastatingly, how she cooked.

Her eye twitched with anger, but she remained calm and told him that there was one more dish she could cook for him that might satisfy his craving for spiciness. He asked her why she didn’t serve him this curry on first request, so she explained that she promised herself she would never make it again, because it was simply too hot and dangerous. It was a spicy curry made from the corns on her feet.

Intrigued, he demanded she make it for him, so she did. With the first bite, his eyes instantly watered. Not just from the intense heat, but from tears of sheer happiness. This was truly the spiciest curry in the world. He had found it. Before he could even swallow the first bite, his heart stopped. It had killed him.

The man opened his eyes and he was in hell – the Devil towering over him. You see, the man wasn’t a good man. He deserved his place, doomed to the underworld. The Devil, curious about the details of the man’s demise, asked him how he could have possible died from eating curry. The man explained that this was no ordinary curry. It was a curry spicier than the devil could ever even imagine. The Devil laughed, “it is I who cook the spiciest curry.”

Once again intrigued, the man requested to try the Devil’s curry, so the Devil obliged. Surprisingly, the Devil’s curry didn’t even come close to matching the woman’s corn curry’s deadly spiciness. The Devil tried again and again, but every time he failed at impressing the man. “How is this possible? What kind of curry was this?”

“I can tell you this. She didn’t make it with love. She made it with anger in her heart. If that’s not enough, the main ingredients were the corns on her feet.”

The Devil sighed, understanding immediately.

“Hell hath no curry like a woman’s corn.”

What’s Coming to Streaming in February – The Golden Stream

Fred Le and myself bring you what’s coming up on Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon streaming, as well as what’s leaving… with jokes!

Also make sure to check out Riz Raru in… The Case of the Sticky Fingers, a new story I’m releasing week by week.

And sign up for my mailing list (CLICK HERE TO DO SO) and I’ll send you a copy of Scrote One: A Star Wars Parody!

Best Superbowl Joke Wins a Copy of Scrote One

The person who writes the best Superbowl Joke (in my opinion) will get a paperback copy of Scrote One: A Star Wars Parody (or just buy it for as low as $1.99 on kindle).


Also check out my new series, Riz Raru in… The Case of the Sticky Fingers

Crack isn’t Off the Table for Me Yet

There are some things you just know are off the table after a certain age. Like for me, I know I’m never going to ride a motorcycle. You won’t catch me dead on one of those things, especially after having a near-death experience on an ATV, and those things aren’t even as fast or dangerous as motorcycles. Put it this way, they have twice as many wheels, are half as slow and I still crashed one. What’s going to happen if I get on a motorcycle? I could spontaneously combust for all I know.

One thing that isn’t off the table at this point in my life is crack.

I’m not saying I’m going to do crack, or that I even want to do crack. It’s just something that isn’t completely off the table yet. Like if I were at a Hollywood party and Tom Cruise came up to me and said, “want to do some crack?” I’d do some crack.

Hell, if I was on a date with even a marginally attractive girl and she said, “want to do some crack and fuck around?” I’d do some crack.

Motorcycle? Hell no.

Crack? Where’s Tom at?

That’s not to say my body is a magnet for any and all drugs. I definitely wouldn’t do heroine. The whole needle things freaks me out. I hate needles so much I’d rather get AIDS than take an AIDS test.

That needle or some AIDS? Hook it up with a little bit of AIDS.

Obviously this isn’t the recipe for everyone, or even good life choices, but at least I know myself.

A Plane Hijacking Story with Billy Joel

This one is a little long, but trust me, you’ll want to read the whole thing, so bookmark if you need to!

It was midnight and the Tokyo airlines flight 881 was halfway to Shinai. Taking red eye flights used to be fun until the movie Red Eye came out. Movies have a tendency to ruin things, like how Pretty Woman ruined hookers. Most of them aren’t as nice and charming as Julia Roberts. Some are even guys, which isn’t so bad, but it’s false advertising.

The plane was filled with mostly Americans, other than the few other people who don’t matter to this story. Post 9/11 you really start to notice who’s on the plane with you , and let’s be honest, you’re more comfortable in a plane full of white people, even if you’re on a plane from Japan to India. This, of course, is not true for albinos. If you’re on a plane full of albinos, change your flight.

A lot of people think that planes contain the demographic mixture of the departure city and the destination, but they’re more like bad breath containers.. Especially at the butt-crack of dawn, when bad breath is at its most rampant.

The night air was thick with the rubbery smell of people-breath. I bet most of them hadn’t even brushed their teeth in hours. It smelled like they had all chewed on a condom (Not a used one. That would be gross. Not the same condom either).Continue reading “A Plane Hijacking Story with Billy Joel”

Some Thoughts on the Summer Heat in Los Angeles

The Summer heat can be brutal, especially when you don’t have air conditioning. It got so hot this Summer that my girlfriend told me she couldn’t be in the apartment anymore. She even changed her number and completely disappeared from my life. It must have been so hot she couldn’t stand our body heat, or even the brainheat from thinking about me.

The heat gets really bad here. Every Summer I think I’ll never wear pants again. Mostly because this gypsy woman keeps following me saying, “You’ll never wear pants again! I curse you!” By the time Winter comes it never ends up being true, so I guess Gypsy curses must only work in the Winter. Things are tough for everyone this time of year.

The heat has a tendency to make people angry too. They’ll say things like “It’s too damn hot!” and “You’re really annoying, Joe!” The heat gets so bad they even say some of those things after the weather cools down.

Some people think the sun is going to expand so fast day one day that it will burn us all alive. And then they ask you for some change, but the light turns green at the freeway exit so you drive away.

I feel really bad for those people. We’re obviously going to die from some alien war before the sun kills us. Some people are so crazy that you start to think they deserve to be homeless. At least they have constant AC. The wind.

5 Things More Likely to Kill You Than a Terrorist Attack or my Drunk Driving Accident

Here’s a parody article I wrote to the type of article “Things more likely to kill you than a terrorist attack.” I didn’t actually get in a drunk driving accident, although I keep trying really hard.

When will there be another attack? How many will lives will be taken this year? Who is this faceless enemy?

It seems that whenever we talk about public safety, our biggest fear is terrorism, or my 2012 drunk driving accident that took the lives of eight high school students.

Although acts of terrorism can be extremely tragic and unsettling, they are actually far less likely to kill you than many other common things, and the chances of me getting behind the wheel and plowing through eight teenagers behind a fence is even less likely, so can we stop treating me like I’m some kind of monster?

Here are five things that are more likely to kill you than a terrorist attack, or my drunk driving:

Drowning in a bathtub

The statistics don’t lie on this one. The risk of being killed by terrorism compared to drowning in a bathtub is 1 in 800,000; That’s much more likely to happen than me being involved in another crash as well, since people take baths everyday. I don’t even drive anymore. I ride my bike, so you guys don’t have to treat me like I’m some kind of serial killer.

Airplane accident

I’m not talking about an airplane accident involving a terrorist. I’m talking about a random malfunction or a bird hitting the jet engine. You wouldn’t treat the bird like a pariah, would you? Those teenagers were drinking too, yet NO ONE brings that up. Why were they even behind that fence? I took that route specifically because no one should have been there.

Car accident

Of course, I’m talking about car crashes other than my 2012 crash. This wasn’t a great example.

Killed by police officer

That’s right! There are more instance of police officers killing innocent people than there are terrorist attacks on US soil. Our very own Officer Martel put thirteen year old Terry Willis in the hospital and you guys practically threw a party for him. I can’t even shop at the local grocery stores anymore without getting my tires slashed. I didn’t expect to come back to open arms, but everyone’s been violently aggressive..

Accidental suffocation/choking

Historically there are more choking or suffocation deaths than any deaths caused by me for drunk driving, so stop calling me the grim reaper.

As you can see, there’s no reason to live in fear, or cough “murderer” when I pass by. If anything I should be pitied. Two of those teenagers were my kids after all.

I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think in the comments.

Follow me on twitter @joecabello and like my Facebook page on the right hand sidebar.