Check out Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.
This one’s a little short at just shy of 800 words, but there’s so many jokes it’s almost unreadable! <-That’s a good thing! Hope you enjoy!
A plucky PI users her unconventional methods to find out the truth after an army private gets caught under the influence of marijuana but claims she never smoked.
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I spotted Jessica on a park bench writing in her notebook. She looked pretty yet strong, like a girl they’d cast on Survivor. If this all ended with me killing her, I’d say “the tribe has spoken.” I didn’t plan on killing her, but why would I be carrying a gun if I didn’t plan on killing someone. Might as well have a back-up plan.
I watched her for a while, hoping I could catch her in the act, but then I feel asleep. I woke up and watched her some more, then slept some more. After getting some good rest and being mistake for a homeless woman, I was ready to approach her.
It was important that we start on the right foot, so I immediately threw a bucket of water on her. She sprang up and demanded to know why I did that. I told her it was because I needed to know if I could trust her.
“How does this help?” she asked, gesturing at her wet body.
“Are you wet right now?” I asked her.
“Yes!” she shouted.
There was a start. She was already telling the truth.
“I’ll tell you the exact same thing I told the police. I didn’t smoke,” she huffed.
I asked her what really happened, and added that she better tell me the truth or I’d punch her in the throat. What she didn’t know was that I just might have punched her in the throat regardless.
She wanted to know why she should trust me, especially since I dress weird and smelled like gasoline. I told her about my skunk problem, but it didn’t help. Either way, she had started to settle down and dry enough to tell me her side of things.
She said she’d left the base to hang out with a friend. Just a friend. She kept stressing over and over how much he was just a friend. If she said it one more time I was going to start thinking he was more than a friend. She said it again, but I decided to still trust her. She was in the military after all. That should give her some trust points. Truth is, I wanted to believe her, so that I could stop working.
She said she needed to get off the base after all the stress from the military publicity, mixed with her regular army duties. The only person she knew was a friend, Rico, and again, stressed he was a friend, who wasn’t in the military. She barely knew him, but he had a car so he was her way out. She snuck off with him to clear her head in the forest, specifically Lover’s Point. She stressed that it’s not that kind of place. It’s just called that. I’d heard differently my entire life, but like I said, she was military and I trusted her.
While in the car, Rico lit up a joint. It made her uncomfortable, but she didn’t have much choice but to stay in the car. She feared that over time she had gotten contact high, something I’ve only ever heard about as a myth. That’s when some Military police came to surveil the area for trouble, since Lover’s Point is the type of place where people go to have anonymous sex. I mentioned how she’d said it wasn’t that type of place, but she replied with an exasperated sigh that made me feel bad, so I dropped it.
She said that if I couldn’t help her, it would shame her father’s military name. He was a great hero.
It was right then that I saw him standing behind Jessica.
“Was he tall?” I asked.
The tall ghost looked back at me.
“And broad shouldered?”
The tall, broad shouldered ghost looked at Jessica.
The black, tall, broad shouldered ghost walked away.
“No. He was white. Like me.”
Can’t win them all.
I assured Jessica I’d get to the bottom of this, then situated a pile of leaves to sleep in. Her phone rang and she excused herself, answering it with a whisper. She told the person on the other end that everything was all right and she didn’t want them to stress.
I couldn’t help but speak aloud, “What are you hiding, Jessica” I turned it into a song that knocked everyone’s socks off. After my standing ovation, it was time to go to the lab.
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