The Guy Who Doesn’t Have Superpowers Quits the Super Hero Team

Check out my new article on Funny or Die! It’s an open letter from the guy on a super hero team (like The Avengers) who doesn’t have any powers (like Hawkeye). Click “funny” and share, and all of that good stuff if you feel so inclined.

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Dear Super Squad,

I wish I could say this was hard for me, but it’s not. It’s definitely time that I leave the Super Squad.

How a regular guy like me, without powers, has fought supervillains for the past four years and survived is insane. To be honest, none of it was fun. Most of it was terrifying and painful, even though you all seemed to enjoy yourselves and got through it with your wisecracks, generally jovial natures, and what-not.

I don’t want you to think I’m blaming you for having fun. If I was practically invincible I would have had a lot of fun, too. I don’t even blame Thoral The Powerful for throwing my parachute out of the plane that one time as a “joke” and making me jump without one. At the end of the day, he did catch me before I slammed into the ground, so it’s all good.

What finally made me realize I needed to quit was the fact that we fight a giant ape named Monstroso on a regular basis. When we’re not fighting him it’s some kind of robot army. I’ve never felt a fear greater than facing a robot army of thousands. I hope I never will.

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If you missed it last week, check out my funny article from about a guy and girl who bring a grenade into their relationship to spice things up: The Most Exciting Relationship I Ever Had

Failed Movie Pitches

Romeo in Joliet

Before his final triste with Juliet, Romeo falls into a magical well, transporting him to Joliet, Illinois where he falls in love with a rough and tumble corn farmer named Sarah.

One Nightstand

Serial-dater, Jenna, keeps all the names of her conquests in her nightstand, but when she finally meets “Mr. Right,” she has to decide if she’s ready to take a chance on love, or if she’ll go back to her old ways. The nightstand talks as well.

Trick or Treat

Last Halloween a group of drunk teenagers accidentally killed and hid the body of famed actor Treat Williams. One year later, mysterious scripts appear on their door, with roles perfect for Treat Williams, and violent things start happening around them.

Post-Apocalyptic Pick-Up Lines

I have food.

I have shelter.

I can protect you from the Blood Ravens.

I won’t rape you.

Want to get out of here? (followed by a double suicide.)

Is that a knife, or are you just happy to see me? (it’s a knife and the person stabs you with it, taking your food and supplies)

Do you have any raisins? Well, then how about a date? Any food at all? Please.

You see my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m cute. He’s blind from the radioactive pulse.

I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away. (mostly to assess the utility of your potential partner)

Do you have a map? Because I just keep on getting lost in your eyes. Also, is there anything else out there, or is it all wasteland now?

Is it hot in here, or is it just the oncoming fire tornadoes?

Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night. Or away from the Blood Ravens.

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? Seriously, the temperature is dropping incredibly fast. We may need to huddle for warmth.