Everything Wrong with Captain America: Civil War

Spoilers ahead.

In the writer’s room:

Writer 1: Let’s have a big moment. How about War Machine dies during the fight between the heroes?
Writer 2: Great. That’ll be a huge moment. Let’s have him break his back instead.
Writer 1: Definitely! Then we’ll immediately give him robot legs and fix him.
Writer 2: Perfect. That way it’s like nothing ever even happened.

Writer 1: Remember all the heavy societal implications and themes from the comic book Civil War series?
Writer 2: Yeah?
Writer 1: Well forget about those. Let’s get started.

Writer 1: How should Zumo get access to the heavily guarded Winter Soldier?
Writer 2: A fake mustache that makes him sorta look like the guy he’s impersonating. We won’t put any guards in there either. And we’ll put Winter Soldier in a restraint he can break in one second and a glass enclosure that breaks in five punches.
Writer 1: Won’t people he a problem with that?
Writer 2: *leans back in his chair* I think we’ll be juuuuuust fine.

The scene that guilts Tony Stark:

Woman: You killed my son. You Avengers are terrible. You should have let those aliens, Ultron, and whatever else just keep doing what they were doing.

Tony convincing the Avengers to sign:

Tony Stark: We have to sign the accord! We’re dangerous! (to self): Please don’t bring up that it was me who created Ultron.

Tony Stark, Spider-Man and Aunt Mae Scene:

Tony Stark: Remember when the internet was confused how a hottie like Marissa Tomei could play Aunt Mae? Let’s do a scene all about that.

The final battle:

ME: This is going to be great. The heroes have already fought each other twice, now they are going to fight FIVE SOLDIERS (!) who are stronger than the Winter Soldier. This is the perfect way for them to come back together.
Zumo: I killed the five soldiers. Now you have to fight each other again 🙂 Could have been  cool though, huh?
ME: 😦

Iron Man: Hey, Winter Soldier, I’m going to make a Manchurian Candidate reference about you and then five minutes later get pissed off that you killed my mom while you were under mind control, something I was totally aware of. Fuck it though. I’m just mad beyond logic even though I’ve been logical this whole movie.

Zumo: Hi, everyone. I’m Zumo. I was a bad ass killer for these death camps and death squads and stuff, but I was also a family man with a wife and kids. I have time to kill people and be a good father, yet neither of those will get developed well. Bye! Have fun attacking each other for the third time.

The Guy Who Doesn’t Have Superpowers Quits the Super Hero Team

Check out my new article on Funny or Die! It’s an open letter from the guy on a super hero team (like The Avengers) who doesn’t have any powers (like Hawkeye). Click “funny” and share, and all of that good stuff if you feel so inclined.

guywhodoesn
Click to Read the Full Article

Excerpt:

Dear Super Squad,

I wish I could say this was hard for me, but it’s not. It’s definitely time that I leave the Super Squad.

How a regular guy like me, without powers, has fought supervillains for the past four years and survived is insane. To be honest, none of it was fun. Most of it was terrifying and painful, even though you all seemed to enjoy yourselves and got through it with your wisecracks, generally jovial natures, and what-not.

I don’t want you to think I’m blaming you for having fun. If I was practically invincible I would have had a lot of fun, too. I don’t even blame Thoral The Powerful for throwing my parachute out of the plane that one time as a “joke” and making me jump without one. At the end of the day, he did catch me before I slammed into the ground, so it’s all good.

What finally made me realize I needed to quit was the fact that we fight a giant ape named Monstroso on a regular basis. When we’re not fighting him it’s some kind of robot army. I’ve never felt a fear greater than facing a robot army of thousands. I hope I never will.

Click to Read Full Article

Full Article

If you missed it last week, check out my funny article from PointsInCase.com about a guy and girl who bring a grenade into their relationship to spice things up: The Most Exciting Relationship I Ever Had