Once Upon a Time in Knowing Hollywood History

Just like any movie, there are endless reasons a moviegoer may have disliked Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Even the most lauded films have their detractors after all. There is no greater proof than the fact that there are people  who believe Children of Men is a bad film (pray for them). On the other hand, I once met a guy whose favorite movie of all time – of all time! – was Shanghai Knights (sorry to knock Shanghai Knights, but you get it). Movies are personal, so a critique only holds as much weight as you give it.

There is, however, one reason people may have hated Tarantino’s newest effort that bears such credence it can’t be ignored. That is the fact that the final act’s emotional resonance hinges on the viewer knowing a fading piece of Hollywood history: the Tate Murders.

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Those familiar with the Tate Murders are rolling their eyes at the very notion that the Tate Murders are esoteric in any way, while those who left Once Upon a Time questioning what Margot Robbie was even doing in the movie are saying “thank you.”

I’ve seen the movie three times. It’s safe to say it’s going to be in my Top Ten – hell, Top Five – and possibly even my number one movie of 2019. But if your criticisms derive from the fact that you didn’t know about the Tate Murders beforehand (which isn’t your fault), I completely understand. I might even agree with you given the lens you viewed the movie through.

Ultimately though, the movie just wasn’t made for you.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is a movie made for people at least somewhat familiar with the Tate Murders. Full disclosure, I went into the movie only knowing the following:

  • Sharon Tate was an actress.
  • She was murdered by Manson acolytes.
  • Margot Robbie plays her in the movie.

Luckily, that’s the bare minimum the movie begs you to know. Sharon Tate’s inevitable fate gives the character purpose. That’s why every part of Margot Robbie’s performance played for me. Her sincere and innocent love of life . Her pregnant belly, a distended symbol of a hopeful future.  Her destiny mutates that pregnant belly into a school bus without a steering wheel hurtling towards a brick wall. It’s what makes the ending so cathartic. With his fairy tale reconstruction of history, Tarantino gives us a steering wheel. My mom, who remembers the murders like they were yesterday, wept at the end, lamenting, “Why couldn’t real life be like that?”

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For someone like my girlfriend, who grew up in France, far away from the bubble of Hollywood-centric culture, everything I just stated was entirely absent. Robbie’s inclusion seemed like nothing more than fruitless eye candy. The ending wasn’t cathartic. It was confusing. Violent without reason.

If only she would have known… But she didn’t. For her, it wasn’t a great movie. It was one of the most disappointing failures of the year.

For me, it’s Top Ten – hell, Top Five – and possibly even my number one movie of 2019.

With the exception of four-quadrant films, not every movie is made for everyone. That’s how we get some of the most interesting works. Hereditary is an incredible movie, but there are many people who will never see it simply because they don’t watch movies to be scared. That’s perfectly fine. Why watch a movie if you’re going to hate the experience? People like myself, and I suspect many of you reading this, might be eager to watch a challenging film, but for many people, watching a movie is just about having some simple fun.

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That brings us back to Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and the questions it evokes. Does a movie need to connect with everyone to be considered a great film? Is there a point where a movie has an obligation to appeal to a broad audience? Or is this more about the film suffering from the unignorable flaw of its audience needing to know information not present in the film to truly grasp it? Would this not even be an issue if Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was just some small, independent film whose reach didn’t extend past its niche? Probably not.

If you’re not in on the joke, who do you get mad at? Yourself or the filmmaker?

Can we only truly judge a film in terms of who it was made for, not caring about the opinion of those whom it was not?

If film making is a battle between creator and viewer, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood seemingly breaks the rules of engagement, but it’s not as if Tarantino hasn’t broken the rules before. It’s what he does. And it might be what I love most about his newest film.

Blockbusters, Indies, Art, Films, Trash Films — They’re All Movies

I hate movie snobs. Whenever I catch wind of some blowhard spitting movie snobbery, I just want to crush their skull in, which would make me a murderer, which is arguably much worse than a movie snob. I get the same violent urges towards art snobs in general. I’m talking about the kind of people who like to rank mediums of art.

“Painting is the highest form of art. Music is a close second, but only if it’s orchestral music, not rap. Rap isn’t art at all. And movies and TV are the lowest forms of art, if you can even call them that.”

Their reasons for not respecting certain mediums of art are usually steeped in ignorance.

“Movies are all explosions and superheroes.” Cherry-picking to denigrate the whole medium (and what’s so bad about explosions anyway?)

Or, “rap is all about drugs and violence.” Yes, and I suppose sculpting is all about men with small penises.

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That same poisonous thinking permeates movie lovers as well. The cinephiles who scoff at whatever new blockbuster is playing at the mainstream theaters. Or the blowhards who would laugh in your face if you so much as suggest that they see the newest comedy starring a former wrestler (may this trend never die). These are the people who pat themselves on the back for watching foreign films. The people who won’t dare watch a horror movie if it isn’t directed by Ari Aster.

Netflix? Never. The Criterion Channel? Always.

It’s not personal taste I’m attacking here either. It’s when someone can’t appreciate a genre on its own merit. Instead they judge all movies on the merits of their favorite genre. A goopy, soupy horror movie like Society won’t hold a candle to Lost in Translation in terms of character depth and emotional resonance, but as a goopy, soupy horror movie, it’s really damn good.

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Let me address my own blind spots here. All you need to see is my iTunes library to known my tastes fall heavily towards Junkfood movies. Give me Big Trouble in Little China. Give me any Fast and Furious. Anything with Rutger Hauer (RIP). But that’s not to say I don’t enjoy a good slow burn, a foreign film, or something drastically outside of my tastes. And most of all, I believe they’re all valuable in their own way.

You’ll often hear movies snobs say things like:

A movie should be a deeply serious work.

A movie needs to be about something important.

A movie needs to make you think.

A movie needs to challenge you.

Those are all great qualities to strive for, but in no way a prerequisite to be a valuable film. Usually what these people are really saying is, “a movie needs to do all of those things in the exact way that connects with me, no matter the genre.” But I don’t want the same thing out of a Coppola movie that I get out of a John Carpenter movie.

I’m not saying you have to love every single movie. I certainly don’t. Like I said, this isn’t about taste. This is about the asshole who scoffs at you for loving Hocus Pocus. Or the dickhead who thinks there’s a competition between art films and popcorn movies, and that art films are the clear-cut winner of said competition. Or that there’s even needs to be a winner at all.

Movies that make me think. Movies that make me zone-out. Movies with explosions. Movies with quiet moments of brilliance. Action movies. Horror movies. Character studies. They’re all movies, or film, or cinema, or whatever you want to call them. Those are just umbrella terms for endless possibilities. Movies are like people. You don’t have to like them all, but for god’s sake, respect them.

Except for Jean-Luc Goddard’s The Image Book. That movie fucking sucks

 

Make Terminator and the Predator Horror Again

I’m so over Predator and Terminator movies.

Of course, I’m also full of shit. I’m not going to pretend like I’m not there opening weekend for every new Terminator and Predator movie, but I have stopped expecting them to be any good. Fucking hell. Even the combination of Shane Black and Olivia Munn couldn’t make The Predator work (the fact that Black cast a convicted pedophile in it didn’t help either, not that it affected my viewing. I just think it’s really fucking funny to mention for some reason).

The Terminator franchise has had the same problems as Predator. There hasn’t been a good one since Judgement Day. In that way, Predator and Terminator are kindred spirits. For the record, here are the official rankings:

TERMINATOR
1 (tied). Terminator/Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Everything else: garbage

PREDATOR
1. Predator
2. Predator 2
Everything else: garbage

Both of these franchises have the same big problem: their obsession with bigger, badder, more-CGed bad guys. Every Terminator movie has some new model of Terminator with a new power desperately trying to outdo the previous. That worked to terrifying effect with T-1000, but past that, not so much. In the new Terminator movie, Dark Fate, it’s not a T800. It’s not a liquid metal Terminator. It’s not a nano-bot John Connor Terminator either. It’s a Terminator who can separate and become two Terminators. Wow. Scary… And it’s up against a new, good Terminator! Plus Sarah Connor! All of that won’t amount to much more than a bunch of nonsensical CG action, not heightened drama or suspense (no, I haven’t seen it. I’m just being a bitch).

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Predator has seen a similar trend. We can ignore the AVP movies since they practically glow with radioactive badness. Nimrod Antal’s 2010 Predators asks the question, “What if there were more predators?” And the most recent Shane Black movie, The Predator, asks the question, “what if there was a BIGGER predator?” Just like our friend, the Terminator series, this seems to just amount to more CG nonsense, and very little drama or suspense.

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That’s why I plead with the series to go back to their roots.

Make Terminator and Predator Horror Again.

That’s where the heart of the series lies. Even Predator 2 and Terminator 2 have horror DNA in them, and at the very least, are just great movies regardless. We don’t want to see a bigger, badder bad guy. We want to see an unlikely protagonist take on an insurmountable foe, and guess what…

An alien bred for hunting  = insurmountable enough.

A man-hunting robot = insurmountable enough.

Let’s take a look at the first two Terminator and Predator movies.

Terminator
Protagonist: a waitress and a normal guy who traveled back in time. Neither of them can ask for help without sounding crazy.
Bad guy: Killer robot.

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Terminator 2
Protagonist: a kid and his robot.
Bad guy: Killer robot who can imitate anyone.

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Predator
Protagonist: Bad ass soldiers.
Bad guy: an alien who eats bad ass soldiers for breakfast.

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Predator 2
Protagonist: A hardened detective.
Bad guy: an alien who eats hardened detectives for breakfast.

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Now let’s jump ahead to the most current iterations of these franchises!

The Predator
Protagonist: bad ass soldiers
Bad guy: An extra large predator, plus other predators, plus demon dogs, but the other predators and demon dogs sort of work together with the bad ass soldiers.

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Terminator: Dark fate (Haven’t seen it yet, so yes I am talking out of my ass)
Protagonist: a bad ass female Terminator, Sarah Connor, a little girl
Bad guy: a Terminator who turns into two Terminators.

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Don’t you see the problem just by reading that? It’s just shit piled on top of shit. Why don’t these movies connect with fans and audiences? They actively disregard the soul of the series and instead chase the mumbo-jumbo. The soul is horror. The mumbo jumbo is the weapons, the action, and the lore.

Instead, give me this:

Predator: New Blood (working title. Might also be called Child Predator)
Protagonist: an 8-year-old.
Bad guy: A predator.
Sure, you’d have to figure out why the Predator is going after a kid, but after that, you’re off to the races. Make it a kid with no allies. No one to turn to. Make the kid have to figure out how to defeat the predator using his/her smarts. Make it a horror film.

Terminator: Orphan Maker (working title. Might also be called Terminator: Child Predator)
Protagonist: an 8-year-old
Bad guy: a killer robot.
OK, so, yeah this is the same idea as my Predator movie, but no one said I was original. Again, give the kid no allies. Give the adults an active reason not to help or believe the kid. Let the kid figure it out. MAKE IT A HORROR FILM!

It doesn’t have to be an 8-year-old kid, but you get the idea.

The Terminator/Predator hunting a baby.

Terminator/Predator hunting someone in the desert – make the environment just as unforgiving as the bad guy.

Trap the protagonist inside of an insane asylum or prison.

The point is that the Predator and Terminator are enough. They don’t need to get bigger, and we sure as hell don’t need to give the protagonist powerful allies. Our protagonists situation just needs to get worse.

I’m Disturbed – The Trailer for ‘The Art of Racing in the Rain’

‘The Art of Racing in the Rain’ would be a tremendous title for a movie about drifting, and I’m sure if you hadn’t seen the trailer/a movie poster/been familiar with the book, you’d think that it was.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Unfortunately, it is not a movie about drifting. If you’re looking for a movie about drifting, you’re stuck with Tokyo Drift or the live action Initial D movie. Slim pickings. The Art of Racing in the Rain is actually a movie about a dog.

If you, like many others, are a person who loves dog movies, then The Art of Racing in the Rain is for you. Or is it?

I don’t know anything about the book, and I haven’t seen the movie to judge, but I have seen the trailer, and I must say,  it is a work of art (of racing in the rain). A horrible and confusing work of art.

Watching the trailer is a baffling experience, and I highly suggest doing so before you read any further, or before you live another second of your life.

See what I mean?

What exactly is going on here? Aside from the simple fact that you don’t know what the hell you’re going to be walking into when you see this movie, there are some odd pieces of this trailer I just have to talk about.

The IMDB Synopsis reads:

A dog named Enzo recalls the life lessons he has learned from his race car driving owner, Denny.
Great. Exactly what I want to hear from a dog: lessons about racing. Have you seen a dog in a car? Because I’ve seen a dog shit and puke in a car. That’s kind of what they do. The Art of Racing Home in the Rain because your dog shit in the car and it stinks so bad you’re going to puke and you still have to clean up the mess.

Old Man Voice on the Baby Dog

Kevin Costner is admittedly doing some real work here with that narration. It’s somber, reverent, and full of pathos – you know, exactly how you want an adorable golden retriever to sound.

The first line and I’m already feeling the crushing weight of my mortality. Kind of a steep departure from Josh Gad (A Dog’s Purpose/Journey) and his lessons of love and companionship, you know, something we’d actually be excited to hear the insights of from dog. The timbre of Costner’s voice alone assures me that this dog is going to die, and that the owner will probably die as well. Great.

That’s not even what bothers me most. It’s the disturbingly poetic lines like:

“He picked me out of a pile of pups. A tangled mass of paws and tails.”

Jesus Christ.

Kevin Costner’s gravely voice saying “tangled mass of paws and tails” will disturb me forever. It belongs in a horror film.

INT. MURDER HOUSE – NIGHT

He picks the dog out of a pile of pups. A tangled mass of paws and tails.

Speaking of horror film, there’s this gem as Enzo (that’s the dog) gazes at pregnant Amanda Seyfriend:

“It must be amazing having a body that can carry an entire creature inside….

…I just hoped it would look like me.”

What the fuck is going on here? Does Enzo want to impregnate Amanda Seyfriend? Or is he alluding to having already fucked her, hoping that his dog sperm had won dominance over his owner’s human sperm?

Through the lips of Josh Gad, that line might sound like innocent naivete. But through Kevin Costner’s lips, it sounds like the exact moment the horror music should cue in and it’s revealed as a horror movie about a dog who is jealous of his owner’s life. I’ve never seen a movie more primed for a horror-edit parody.

Which sounds like a pretty awesome movie. How about this:

A dog named Enzo recalls the life lessons he has learned from his race car driving owner, Denny, as he attempts to steal his life away from him.

Now that’s a movie fit for Costner’s growl.

And of course there’s the line…

“Faster, Denny. Faster.”

I’m not going to be gentle with my words here. It sounds like Danny is giving Enzo the red rocket treatment.

While I might talk a lot of shit, this is one of the top five trailers I’ve seen this year, even if its own efficacy makes me doubt the movie it’s trying to promote.

I’ll still be there opening weekend out of morbid curiosity with a full flask at my hip and 32 gallons of Pib Xtra, but what else is new?

TMNT: Out of the Shadows – Why It Sucked.

Some of these thoughts also apply to the 2014 TMNT. Also, spoilers ahead.


I didn’t have high hopes for the 2014 TMNT, yet was still disgusted by it once I saw it.

I had higher hopes for Out of the Shadows (OOTS) because it had Krang, Bebop and Rocksteady, and the Tartaruga Brothers truck. I knew I shouldn’t have had high hopes, but my desire to be contrarian made me want to love it before I even saw it.

I was wrong.

Twenty minutes into the movie I had a rash from all the face palms.

The Bad

The turtles personalities

The charm of the 1990s turtles was that they were caricatures of teenagers. They were silly and made jokes as if they had frontal lobe damage, and were teenagers in the most cartoonish way. These new turtles act more like real teenagers, which is absolutely awful to watch. No one likes teenagers. They’re moody, horny, and mean. This is exactly how the new turtles are.

I can’t understand why anyone would want to hang out with these turltes, other than the fact that there are considerable cool points if your friends are ninja turtles. I find nothing redeemable about them.

They are also horrifically ugly.

The CGI paradox

The CGI doesn’t look bad. It’s actually really good. The problem is that the CGI makes it easier to incorporate gadgets and give no weight to the turtles’ actions.

Rocket-powered skateboard. Holographic touchscreen computers. Electric boe staff. All of these gadgets ruin the charm of the turtles.

What’s so charming about the turtles is that all they have is their skill. They’ve practiced ninjitsu so long and with such discipline, that they actually stand a chance against gangs of men with guns and swords. Once you give them rocket-powered skateboards, high-tech weaponry, and abundant resources, it takes away from their real skill – ninjitsu.

It also wrecks the suspension of disbelief.
1990:
Friend: Wait, so they live under the sewer system and no one has ever found them. Seems ridiculous.
Me: Shut the fuck up. It’s a movie.

2014:
Friend: Wait, so they live under the swer system, have a dozen computer monitors, high tech computer systems, and rocket-powered skateboards and no one has ever found them. Seems ridiculous.
Me: You’re… right…. 😦

There is something profoundly awe-inspiring about seeing someone actually pull off a high kick, or take a blow. The CGI can’t effectively evoke the same level of mastery or peril. Although the CGI looked good, bring back the suits. Get Donnie Yen amd three of his friends and get it done.

Splinter

Splinter sucks.

One way to make a character instantly unlikable is to give him pure black eyes. He’s just a smug, almost-evil twat in this series.

The Shredder

He didn’t have his mask or armor at the beginning of the movie because he was incarcerated. I get that (though it would be absolutely bad ass if he was being transported while wearing his armor, even if it didn’t make any sense. If it’s bad ass enough, it doesn’t need to make sense.)

BUT for him not to have his armor on for the rest of the movie until the VERY END? Unacceptable. That’s. Not. Shredder.

Also, this is his armor. It sucks.

He’s so weak in this movie that there’s no resonance at all when he gets betrayed by Krang. We should be saying “The mighty Shredder was betrayed? But he’s the mighty shredder!” Instead it just happens and it’s like “of course. Look at his shitty armor. Why wouldn’t you betray him?”

Casey Jones

What happened here? His mask sucks. He’s not bad ass at all. He’s just a baffoon.

They made him a cop, which I hated at first then thought, “Oh maybe they’ll have a cool vigilante dichotomy about him. He’s a cop, but he’s also the crime fighter Casey Jones. That could be cool.” That’s not the case at all. He’s just a bumbling cop. He might as well have not been Casey Jones.

He also tapes rollerblade wheels to his shoes.

The Good

Tartaruga Brothers Truck

I know I complained about gadgets, but this one actually works.

  1. Its canon.
  2. It’s more analog than high-tech. Mikey has nun-chuk arms and it shoots sewer lids.

April O’neil

So there’s a lot of issues with Megan Fox’s April O’neil that I don’t care to get into, but her cartoonish acting was a breath of fresh air compared to the shitty turtles, Splinter, and Casey Jones.

Actaully a lot of the reason I liked her in it are sexist reasons, so I’m sorry.

Bebop and Rocksteady

They were funny, bad ass, and they felt canon. If anything I needed more of a brawl between them and the turtles.

Krang

Krang was on point. There needed to be more of him.

Everything Wrong with Captain America: Civil War

Spoilers ahead.

In the writer’s room:

Writer 1: Let’s have a big moment. How about War Machine dies during the fight between the heroes?
Writer 2: Great. That’ll be a huge moment. Let’s have him break his back instead.
Writer 1: Definitely! Then we’ll immediately give him robot legs and fix him.
Writer 2: Perfect. That way it’s like nothing ever even happened.

Writer 1: Remember all the heavy societal implications and themes from the comic book Civil War series?
Writer 2: Yeah?
Writer 1: Well forget about those. Let’s get started.

Writer 1: How should Zumo get access to the heavily guarded Winter Soldier?
Writer 2: A fake mustache that makes him sorta look like the guy he’s impersonating. We won’t put any guards in there either. And we’ll put Winter Soldier in a restraint he can break in one second and a glass enclosure that breaks in five punches.
Writer 1: Won’t people he a problem with that?
Writer 2: *leans back in his chair* I think we’ll be juuuuuust fine.

The scene that guilts Tony Stark:

Woman: You killed my son. You Avengers are terrible. You should have let those aliens, Ultron, and whatever else just keep doing what they were doing.

Tony convincing the Avengers to sign:

Tony Stark: We have to sign the accord! We’re dangerous! (to self): Please don’t bring up that it was me who created Ultron.

Tony Stark, Spider-Man and Aunt Mae Scene:

Tony Stark: Remember when the internet was confused how a hottie like Marissa Tomei could play Aunt Mae? Let’s do a scene all about that.

The final battle:

ME: This is going to be great. The heroes have already fought each other twice, now they are going to fight FIVE SOLDIERS (!) who are stronger than the Winter Soldier. This is the perfect way for them to come back together.
Zumo: I killed the five soldiers. Now you have to fight each other again 🙂 Could have been  cool though, huh?
ME: 😦

Iron Man: Hey, Winter Soldier, I’m going to make a Manchurian Candidate reference about you and then five minutes later get pissed off that you killed my mom while you were under mind control, something I was totally aware of. Fuck it though. I’m just mad beyond logic even though I’ve been logical this whole movie.

Zumo: Hi, everyone. I’m Zumo. I was a bad ass killer for these death camps and death squads and stuff, but I was also a family man with a wife and kids. I have time to kill people and be a good father, yet neither of those will get developed well. Bye! Have fun attacking each other for the third time.

Superheroes & Safe words – Other Articles This Week

Here are some articles I wrote on other sites this week! Let me know what you think!

Opinion

superhero

How to Make a Great Superhero Movie

Humor

safewr

I Think Our Safe Word is Too Long


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