PremiumMasons

Dear PremiumMasons Support Team,

I’d like to cancel my PremiumMasons membership. At first when I found out the Freemasons were offering a paid subscription service I was very excited. As someone who has enjoyed the unadulterated power and wealth from being a Freemason, a premium service sounded like a good idea.

Unfortunately the additional services were lackluster. Being able to choose an animated avatar for the app was cool, but not quite worth the $49,999.95 per month. I was interested in the feature that would guarantee someone in my bloodline to gain public office one day, but since that isn’t something that directly benefits me, it didn’t really sell me. Beyond that, it doesn’t appear that PremiumMasons is all that better than being a Freemason.

I’d like to ask for a partial refund for the second month’s billing (today!) I guess I had my billing date wrong.

The Last Dragons [An Slightly Erotic, Bizarre Fiction about Dragons]

 

Prior to this, I’ve posted this on my official site, JoeCabello.com, and quickly realized (through the power of analytics) that many people were finding it by googling “dragon sex stories” or “dragons having sex with humans stories.” That’s, unfortunately, not what this story is about, though it does have some erotic elements for the sake of comedy.

Hopefully you enjoy it as it was intended, as it is not “sexy” enough to be considered successful erotic literature


 

Graydis was only one of three dragons left in a world once thickly populated with dragons. He was on his way to mate with the last female dragon, Kirdana, but he was dreading it. Kirdana was nice enough, especially considering the slim pickings, but having sex with dragon women was awful.

Male dragons had smooth, almost glass-like phalluses, however, female dragon vaginas were filled with sharp barbs. They were a vestigial trait from eons before to help dragon mate while in the air. Many dragons would slip out in mid-flight. Ironically, the barbs became so awful that the male dragons began avoiding mating at all costs. Most were happy just to pleasure themselves and call it a day. Graydis greatly preferred it.Continue reading “The Last Dragons [An Slightly Erotic, Bizarre Fiction about Dragons]”

A Poorly Worded Proposal from a Student Photographer to his Highschool

I wrote this a few weeks ago but hesitated posting until now since people can’t seem to get their shit together and not shoot up a movie theater or a school every week. Despite these atrocities, hopefully we can still find the humor in this.

 

A letter from a student in response to the second year in a row of no school photos due to budget cuts:


After being ignored by the school faculty for so long, I’ve decided to take things into my own hands and execute a school shooting. I’ve made my choice and this is something I’m going to do. Each and every one of our student body deserves to be seen for who they really were at this school. They deserve to be shot.

Last year there was no year book due to lack of funding. With things going the way they are now, there won’t be a yearbook this year either. Instead of a yearbook, we’ll have my legacy. I will shoot every student personally, as well as every faculty member. Then I’ll make sure everyone sees it.

I’ve been amassing equipment for months now, and I have more than enough to take care of all the students. They’ll all look like angels when I’m done with them.

I’ll shoot Jessica and David together, since they’re such a lovely couple. They deserve to be done together. There are others who will get “special treatment.” I can’t stop thinking about how I’m going to shoot certain people. I daydream all day about bursting shots during football practice, getting the team when they least expect it.

Please don’t try and stop me. I’ll do this one by one, little by little, in the shadows if I have to.

Go Spartans!


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Ways to Know Your Office is a Toxic Work Environment

Do you know if you’re working in a toxic work environment?

Americans spend roughly 1700 hours a year in the workplace. That’s a lot of time to be spending in a place that could be emotionally and physically damaging.

Here are some ways you can tell if you’re in a toxic work environment:

-There’s a cloud of gas in or around the building.

-You suffer from constant hallucinations.

-You work for an evil organization, or an organization that stops evil organizations. (Evil organizations often store toxic gas and have apathetic employees. Let’s be honest, evil organizations don’t employ the best and brightest, so toxic gas accidents are fairly frequent. If you work for an organization that stops evil organizations, you are most likely constantly attacked by toxic gas.)

-You’re encouraged to wear a hazmat suit.

-There’s a guy named Nuclear Dave who gives a daily speech, referring to you as his “toxic warriors” and how you will “topple the world powers.”

-You’ve grown extra appendages since working there.

-There’s a company funeral every other day.

-Your boss is a dick.

About the Clown I Hired for John’s Birthday

I’ve been busy doing nothing ever since recovering from my surgery, but I do have some exciting things developing, including a book announcement very soon. I appreciate any encouragement, and please subscribe to get more info on the book as it comes out.

Enjoy.


 

First I want to address that, no, the clown I hired was not an actual clown. I admit that, and I am sorry, but we have to look at the good here.

Was he a clown? No.

Did he do funny tricks, songs or dances, as was expected? No.

Did he hurt anyone? Yes, but it wasn’t anyone in our family, so we’ll count it as a no.

Was he talented at what he did bring to the table? Absolutely.

I agree that he was absolutely not dressed appropriately for the party. He was not wearing clown pants, or pants at all, and what looked like a blonde clown wig from afar was actually a live bee hive, but was that not a sight to behold?

I remember the neighborhood kid, Jackson, yelling, “He’s got a beehive on his head!” He was so excited. Sure, one, if not many of the bees stung him, and his excitement could have been mistaken for fear due to his severe bee allergy, but that energy was infectious. Soon after he started yelling, everyone else was too.

I truly believe that more people had a good time than a bad time, or at least that there were more people not stung than there were stung, and that’s saying something considering the amount of bees in the hive. I also think you fail to see that our clown in question was not stung once. I for one, thought that was pretty impressive, and worthy of the $200.

I’ve heard the things you say about me. I’m the screw-up uncle, I’m a loose cannon, I owe you $5,000 etc. I know that you think I forgot to book an actual clown, and instead found a homeless man off the street and paid him money to pretend he was a clown, while also urging him to wear the bee hive on his head (even more amazing that he wasn’t stung), but I assure you that I booked him way in advance, so I was just as upset as you were about the whole fiasco.

I hate to say it, but I fear a bit of racism is what fueled your anger towards the man I hired. We both know he was Italian (or at least looked and smelled Italian) and that’s what really bothered you, not that he caused the neighborhood kid Jackson to be stung over 80 times, tried to kiss your wife, and yelled obscenities at all the kids.

Let’s agree to split the blame on this one 70(you)/30(me) and call the party a success. Anyways, I’m ready to accept your apology at any time. Maybe you could do it when you pay your share of the clown money and drive me to Jackson’s funeral.

P.S. I need a ride to Jackson’s funeral.


 

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I appreciate any feedback in the comments section, or any reblogs and all that.

Concerns Over Your Music Player’s New User Agreement

Dear Alpha Computers support,

I’ve been using MusicSource to play and buy music for years, and I really love it. I especially appreciate the regular updates and new features, like your recent June 2nd release. For some reason, before I downloaded the new version, I decided to glance over the new user agreement, something I rarely do before agreeing to those things. Although I’m excited for the new Instant Mash-up feature and enhanced interface, some parts of the agreement stuck out as strange to me, so I’ve forgone updating until I could clear up some parts of it. Like the following:

XIIa. Your blood is ours.

Firstly, I’m not exactly sure what that means. Secondly, it doesn’t sound good. So, here’s a few questions:

Do you plan on taking my blood? Would you be taking it all at once, or would you take a little at a time? If I get a blood transfusion does that blood count as yours? If I have a jar of blood that I’ve purchased, will that blood also constitute as yours? Are we talking specifically to phlebotomy, or does “blood” equate to “kin?”

Aside from the blood aspect, there was also this part of the agreement:

XXXIII: You won’t see the eyes of the demon, until he comes calling.

This doesn’t seem like something I can control, so I’m hesitant to agree to it. I feel like that’s more in the hands of the “demon” whomever that is. Which raises a good question, who is this demon? Does this have something to do with the blood thing?

Then, of course, there was this section:

XL: You will be a sacrifice to the demon Omutep.

This one definitely makes sense of the preceding two, but I just wanted to make sure no words were getting minced here. Let me know if i have this right: Omutep will be coming to take my blood, which will be legally yours, and I won’t see his eyes until he comes calling, something I’m sure Omutep will be arranging himself. Is that about right?

If so, I’m on board and ready to start making some mash-ups, but if it comes with some fucking bullshit U2 album or something I’ll be pissed.


Twitter @joecabell0

facebook.com/joecabellowriter

My Sling

About two weeks ago I got into an ATV accident and broke my shoulder (An ATV is a four wheeled, small vehicle people ride to guarantee hurting themselves). I’ve since had to wear a sling and it’s changed my life for the better.

Suddenly I’m very popular. Like how people who had Segways when they first came out were popular, even though that’s not the case anymore (Segway is a two wheeled vehicle people ride to guarantee ridicule). Everyone wants to talk to me and ask me whats’ going on. Even strangers. Especially strangers, actually.

The other day a really cool looking guy in a wife-beater and red pajama pants stumbled up to me on the street asking, “when did that happen?” as if we’d known each other forever, or at all. It almost made the constant pain worth it.

Talking about it can get pretty exhausting, but I’m getting pretty good at responding. I feel the way actors must when they go on a press junket. At first they’re really self-conscious and nervous about their answers, but then they get so sick of answering the same questions over and over so they start coming up with really confident, creative answers.

It’s not that I’m lying to anyone about what happened. I’ve just been trying out different inflections or attitudes. Like a really weathered, “been here before” tone, like a soldier shot for the hundredth time (in total, not in a row. For obvious reasons). That one is my favorite.

For some people I play up the sadness and horror, and for others I’ve even been known to try a really jovial way. Like how Santa might act if he broke his shoulder.

I’ve enjoyed it so much that I’ve even started to wear my more complex, sleeping sling out in public, even though I don’t even need it anymore. It’s five pieces and makes the injury look 10x worse. To be honest, I don’t even need to wear the normal sling anymore. I wear it more to ward off any hard pats on the shoulder, or to avoid getting beat up. I’m not 100% sure on the psychology of people who beat people up, but I assume that there’s some kind of code to leave people with slings alone. There’s no sport to it.

I think a lot of it has to do with the way I look. I mean, people walk around with slings and injuries all the time and don’t get the attention I get (I’m assuming). I even avoid people with injuries. They just don’t feel safe to be around.

Here’s my theory: People will treat a guy wearing a sling totally differently if he’s wearing a suit opposed to wearing a Monster Energy Drink shirt. Not that I wear a suit all the time, or at all, but my style leans more on the side of suit than it does Monster Energy Drink shirt. I never had the nerve to buy one. Seems like something you should get for free.

Being a clean-cut, well dressed man, people must assume I was attacked, or a victim of some unfortunate accident. As if it somehow wasn’t my fault that I ran an ATV into a tree. I guess the lesson is, if you comb your hair to the side like a British boy, and wear button-up shirts (not button-down shirts. That’s a different thing), you’re admonished of all guilt when it comes to personal injury.

Once I’m fully healed, I can see myself continuing to wear the sling every once and a while. Maybe one day I’ll even get so good at wearing my sling that I’ll make up a more interesting story on how it happened, or wear a Monster energy drink shirt. It couldn’t hurt. Not anymore than running an ATV into a tree.

The Introduction Chapter to my book “Lessons in Debauchery: The Topher Weyland Story”

I am pleased to release the introduction chapter of my book on my blog! It’s got a couple of jokes in it, you know. No big deal. You can also download it in PDF if that’s what you’re into. Let me know what you think, and pass it along to your friends and enemies.

The book is an adventure comedy about an aspiring TV personality who gets recruited by the CIA to be a distraction, but things quickly get out of hand when he forces himself into their mission and is thrust into saving the world.

Lessons In Debauchery:
The Topher Weyland Story

(PDF DOWNLOAD HERE)

Introduction

My name is Topher Weyland, and if you’re reading this I’m already dead.

Assuming you’re reading this 50+ years after I’ve written it, because I’d be far too old to still be alive. Unless, of course, they’ve made some kind of robot body to put my consciousness in after my human body withers and dies. Then you have to ask, is it really even me anymore?

But those aren’t the questions we’re going to ask or answer in this book. Well, maybe we will ask them later. I can’t say. It never made much sense to me to write the intro after you’ve written the book, and I don’t like playing by the rules. Not even my own. Either way, we definitely won’t answer those questions.

This book is going to be filled with lessons, which are a lot like rules except you don’t have to follow them. Avoid rules. They’re too constraining. There’s no rule book for life, right? If there was, a million idiots would probably buy it.

I love lessons, because unlike rules, you can’t be punished for not following them. My favorite thing about life is you can keep repeating your mistakes until you’re dead or you get a girl pregnant. Luckily I’m sterile, but you’ll learn about that later.

I’d like to say I’m an every man, but I’m not. I’m the type of guy who can’t be grouped in a “type of guy” classification. I’m one-of-a-kind. The purpose of this book is to reach out to the one, or maybe two other men out there who are also one-of-a-kind. (And to gloat about my accomplishments, of course.)

This book will explore the very nature of what it means to be a human. A human man named Topher Weyland. From Sunnyvale, California. Social security ending in 6578.

If you’re curious about how I look, here is a picture of me a computer might make:

computer drawing

Here is a picture of me a small child made:

child drawing

(Just kidding. I drew it, but in the style of a small child. That’s how talented I am)

I’m about to tell you biggest adventure of my life, which has been “my life.” Hell, it’s all been an adventure, right? Even if I’ve only been in one high-speed chase… a day. I’ll also throw in a couple of lessons along the way. The kind of lessons the one person this book is written for can learn from.

For good measure. Here are a couple of lessons everyone can learn from:

  • Don’t touch that.
  • Look out.
  • Don’t write checks that your ass can’t cash, because your ass doesn’t look like its ID picture anymore, which was taken 20 years ago.
  • Pushups are the only exercise worth doing.

Follow me on my journey from a child, to becoming the hottest up-and-coming television personality, to an American spy, to an astronaut, to a sex slave, and all the way back again.

By the end of this book, I promise, you will have read the whole thing.


Let me know what you think and if you’d like to see more chapters. I’ll definitely post more if there’s more demand.

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The Guy Who Doesn’t Have Superpowers Quits the Super Hero Team

Check out my new article on Funny or Die! It’s an open letter from the guy on a super hero team (like The Avengers) who doesn’t have any powers (like Hawkeye). Click “funny” and share, and all of that good stuff if you feel so inclined.

guywhodoesn
Click to Read the Full Article

Excerpt:

Dear Super Squad,

I wish I could say this was hard for me, but it’s not. It’s definitely time that I leave the Super Squad.

How a regular guy like me, without powers, has fought supervillains for the past four years and survived is insane. To be honest, none of it was fun. Most of it was terrifying and painful, even though you all seemed to enjoy yourselves and got through it with your wisecracks, generally jovial natures, and what-not.

I don’t want you to think I’m blaming you for having fun. If I was practically invincible I would have had a lot of fun, too. I don’t even blame Thoral The Powerful for throwing my parachute out of the plane that one time as a “joke” and making me jump without one. At the end of the day, he did catch me before I slammed into the ground, so it’s all good.

What finally made me realize I needed to quit was the fact that we fight a giant ape named Monstroso on a regular basis. When we’re not fighting him it’s some kind of robot army. I’ve never felt a fear greater than facing a robot army of thousands. I hope I never will.

Click to Read Full Article

Full Article

If you missed it last week, check out my funny article from PointsInCase.com about a guy and girl who bring a grenade into their relationship to spice things up: The Most Exciting Relationship I Ever Had

Failed Movie Pitches

Romeo in Joliet

Before his final triste with Juliet, Romeo falls into a magical well, transporting him to Joliet, Illinois where he falls in love with a rough and tumble corn farmer named Sarah.

One Nightstand

Serial-dater, Jenna, keeps all the names of her conquests in her nightstand, but when she finally meets “Mr. Right,” she has to decide if she’s ready to take a chance on love, or if she’ll go back to her old ways. The nightstand talks as well.

Trick or Treat

Last Halloween a group of drunk teenagers accidentally killed and hid the body of famed actor Treat Williams. One year later, mysterious scripts appear on their door, with roles perfect for Treat Williams, and violent things start happening around them.