Honest text to send at 11:40pm to the girl you’ve been seeing for a week

Honest text to send at 11:40pm to the girl you’ve been seeing for a week:

“hey, just wanted some kind of validation that you like me that I can only get if you text me back instantly because I have nothing else going on in my life other than this, and anything other than you texting back within five seconds will be taken as some sort of concrete evidence, admissible in court, that you don’t like me, until tomorrow when you text me back something sweet and put me at ease until the next 24 hour period when I fall apart again. Also, it must include a smiley, or else that means you hate me.”

Crack isn’t Off the Table for Me Yet

There are some things you just know are off the table after a certain age. Like for me, I know I’m never going to ride a motorcycle. You won’t catch me dead on one of those things, especially after having a near-death experience on an ATV, and those things aren’t even as fast or dangerous as motorcycles. Put it this way, they have twice as many wheels, are half as slow and I still crashed one. What’s going to happen if I get on a motorcycle? I could spontaneously combust for all I know.

One thing that isn’t off the table at this point in my life is crack.

I’m not saying I’m going to do crack, or that I even want to do crack. It’s just something that isn’t completely off the table yet. Like if I were at a Hollywood party and Tom Cruise came up to me and said, “want to do some crack?” I’d do some crack.

Hell, if I was on a date with even a marginally attractive girl and she said, “want to do some crack and fuck around?” I’d do some crack.

Motorcycle? Hell no.

Crack? Where’s Tom at?

That’s not to say my body is a magnet for any and all drugs. I definitely wouldn’t do heroine. The whole needle things freaks me out. I hate needles so much I’d rather get AIDS than take an AIDS test.

That needle or some AIDS? Hook it up with a little bit of AIDS.

Obviously this isn’t the recipe for everyone, or even good life choices, but at least I know myself.

God Issues Product Recall For All Mankind

This was a prompt for a writing gig I didn’t get. Enjoy!


 

After 6,000 years of production, God has issued a mass product recall for all of mankind, citing issues such as mass violence, destruction of the Earth, Kanye West, and mankind “just generally acting crazy.” According to God’s representatives, the lack of space on Earth was also a small factor, though they do admit the recall is mostly due to a faulty product design.

“After Boko Haram and ISIS, it was pretty apparent that there was something wrong,” said head of God’s public relations, Christopher. “Problems like these just kept popping up, so we had to face that things like slavery, the Holocaust, and gluten allergies weren’t freak occurrences. The product was flawed.”

This isn’t the first time God has considered a recall. Going as far back as 2348 BC developers could foresee trouble. “We had an inkling that there were some problems with the product, but we were hoping they’d work themselves out after the flood,” said longtime developer, John, who is responsible for rainbows. Issues with the product did not end with the flood. Violence, infighting, and now, EDM music, continued to increase with time as the product continued to be released.

According to a Press Release earlier today, God is already planning a new model to replace the recalled humanity. “We’ve been playing around a little bit with down syndrome and Aspergers to avoid some of the older issues of violence and emotional outbursts, but we were just waiting for the tech to catch up. It has, so now we are nearly ready for launch.”

The date of the full product recall can be found on the sign of the dirty homeless man on 3rd and Main St.


Follow me on twitter @joecabello and like my Facebook writer page!

 

Video Game Review From a Guy Who Sucks at Video Games

SquareBlast has released their newest first person shooter, Let It Rage, a multiplayer warzone with team deathmatch, capture the flag, and a single player campaign. Unfortunately it’s a frustrating mess of a game, with a multiplayer that is almost impossible to play.

Multiplayer

The game’s key feature, the multiplayer mode, falls apart completely. First off, it’s practically impossible to kill anyone, yet everyone else can get a ton of kills on me. My cross hair will be right on the guy and I’ll shoot like a million times, but then he’ll knife me. It doesn’t make any sense. How can everyone else be so good but I suck? This game just came out. It really doesn’t make any sense.

Grade: D

The guns

The guns are really awesome, except for the fact that the gun system is broken. Other guys online are killing me with the pistol, even when I have the strongest gun. I thought it was the accuracy, but when they use the strongest gun they get perfect shots on me. Something is wrong with the balance of the game. It’s definitely not me. I’m usually really great.

It can’t be me.

Grade: D

Single player

The single player is obviously an afterthought, as is evident by the short campaign, but it’s very good compared to the multiplayer, at least on the easier settings. Once medium or higher is chosen, the game breaks and even the low level bad guys are killing me.

Grade: C

Jason

Jason is my friend and he’s a total dick. He only goes after me when we play multiplayer, even though there’s so many other people playing. It’s like he always knows where I am. It’s probably some bug I haven’t figured out yet, but he has. I know he’s not a part of the game for everyone, but I’m sure there are other Jasons out there who are somehow exploiting the bugs with this game.

Grade: F

Overall

Where did I go wrong? What the fuck is wrong with me. I’m 27. I should be good at something by this point in my life.

The Farts Awakens: A Star Wars Parody, My New Paperback! + Free Preview for WordPress Users!

Hello!

Very excited to announce my new paperback available on Amazon.com, The Farts Awakens: A Star Wars Parody! (Click the image below for a link to the Amazon page)

cover photo facebook

Written in easy-to-read screenplay format, this aggressively stupid, incredibly hilarious Star Wars parody follows the adventures of Rey Toiletbowler and Finn Hardwiper as they learn to use the Farts, the mystical power of the Browneye. With the help of Handjob Solo, Princess Lay-yuh, and Jewbacca, they’ll try to stop the Empooper from releasing a weapon with unimaginable smell.

History:

30 years after the fall of the Galactic Empooper by the hand of the Rebel Assliance, the Empooper has regained strength, propelled by an unknown, dark power. Lead by General Fucks, their plan to dominate the galaxy is almost complete, using a new weapon, the power of which has never been seen before.

As time has passed and faded away, so have the lessons learned, and the heroics of the Rebel Assliance long ago. People have since forgotten the part that Luko Cockblocker played in defeating the evils of the Empooper. They have forgotten how he used the Farts, a binding, ubiquitous force found in the anus, to ultimately defeat Shart Vader.

The Browneye, an order of warriors who used the Farts for good, have been forgotten and relegated to legend. Nothing more than stories told to children, or printed in books meant to be read on the toilet.

There are, however, dark forces slowly gaining power, and those who have felt the farts before… will start to feel them again.

Help support it socially by clicking this link and joining my Thunderclap campaign! It’s very simple and helps a lot.


 

Want to see a little bit of it? Sign up for my newsletter at the link below and you’ll be directed to a download.

The Farts Awakens: A Star Wars Parody PREVIEW

PremiumMasons

Dear PremiumMasons Support Team,

I’d like to cancel my PremiumMasons membership. At first when I found out the Freemasons were offering a paid subscription service I was very excited. As someone who has enjoyed the unadulterated power and wealth from being a Freemason, a premium service sounded like a good idea.

Unfortunately the additional services were lackluster. Being able to choose an animated avatar for the app was cool, but not quite worth the $49,999.95 per month. I was interested in the feature that would guarantee someone in my bloodline to gain public office one day, but since that isn’t something that directly benefits me, it didn’t really sell me. Beyond that, it doesn’t appear that PremiumMasons is all that better than being a Freemason.

I’d like to ask for a partial refund for the second month’s billing (today!) I guess I had my billing date wrong.

He Was a Dracula – Chapter 1

He sloppily folded his crushed velvet tuxedo, threw it on top of his dresser, and slid into his pajamas. A boring plaid number, but they were comfortable and consistently warm, no matter what cold, dark recess of the dresser they had dwelled in. Perfect for a nice, long sleep. It was 9:30am and he had earned it.

He’d just come back from a particular difficult night of fighting crime.

It had been months since he’d worn his pajamas to bed. For hundreds of years he promised that he’d never get so lazy to sleep in his crushed velvet tuxedo every night, yet that’s how things had ended up. The tuxedo was as comfortable as a hug after all, and with its multiple pieces, it took a good amount of effort to put on and take off. It was a uniform made for men with plenty of time. Not the normal attire for the year it was, 1984, but he’d given up on living the normal life of a man. He wasn’t a man at all, actually.

He was a Dracula. The 7th to be exact.

And he was brutally heartbroken.

Woe was him. His name was Woe. He was also very sad.

He had become the 7th Dracula exactly 60 years, 364 days, 12 hours, and 59 minutes ago. He hadn’t been around long enough to stop keeping exact count the way his predecessor had by the time they had met. In fact, he still had a good 120 years before he reached his predecessor’s years of service.

His predecessor, a Dracula by the name of Lestat, had told him to stop keeping track of the minutes and hours and days. He warned him that he’d go mad if he did this, though it was perfectly understandable that he did. He gave Woe many different warning throughout his training, as was his job. To pass the torch. To ensure Woe was well equipped for his job as Dracula.

Lestat had been a great mentor. No one, not even Woe could argue that, however, that wouldn’t stop Woe from making the grave mistakes that lead him to his current state of loss and agony.

He had made the terrible, no-good mistake, a mistake he was warned about in his training countless times, of falling in love.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, he had made the second most terrible, no-good mistake a Dracula can make as well. A mistake he was also warned of countless times, though, one wonders if he hadn’t been warned about the second mistake, then maybe he never would have even considered even making the first mistake, as if this warning was proof that the other could be broken – the mistake was turning the woman he loved into a vampire.

I say he turned her into a vampire, not a Dracula, and that is for a specific purpose. They are two different things in the same way a square and a rectangle are two different things. The way a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle could never be a square. I will explain all that later. For now, what is most important are the intricacies of what made this broken heart all the more brutal, which lead to the events of this story. The story of the 8th Dracula, the greatest hero the world had ever known.

It all started when Woe turned his love, Emily, into a vampire so he could be with her eternally.

What he did not foresee, is that despite this gift, she would leave him.


 

This is a story I’m working on based on a side character in my book I’m editing, Lessons in Debaucery. I’d love to hear your thoughts about it. It’s obviously not very far along, but I hope it gives a good indication of what the story is all about. This will be less of a straight comedy than Lessons in Debauchery, but will most likely still have lots of funny elements because I can’t help it.

While Lessons in Debauchery is a sea of one-liners, He was a Dracula, is a heartfelt comedy.

Please give your feedback in the comments section and I’ll keep writing and posting it. I think I’m going to post this exclusively on this blog until it’s done or someone yells at me to stop.

30 Sketches, 30 Days

So, I’ve been really busy writing for the 2016 CBS Diversity Showcase, so I haven’t been writing anything other than sketches. I’d still like people to enjoy something that I wrote since I’m a millennial and I want all the attention, so I decided to post up my National Sketch Writing Month page.

National Sketch Writing Month is a month long event (obviously) where writers write 30 sketches in 30 days, despite whatever else they have going on in their lives (job, kids, weed to smoke).  All of my sketches are available to download on the following link. Honestly, some of them are pretty gnarly and unedited, but let me know what you think. They’re all short and sweet! (My favorite is The Perfect Killer)

Check out my 30 sketches

Also, please do me a big favor and like my Facebook Author page. I’d appreciate it x1,000,000,000

The Longest Haiku! See what’s inside!

My new book, The Longest Haiku, is now available on Amazon! Money I make from it goes towards my medical bills from my recent shoulder injury, so I’d love it if you buy it or share it on social media. You can check out the table of content below after the link.

Buy it on Amazon!

the longest haiku here

the longest haiku page 1 the longest haiku table of content